'Duck Dynasty' Recap: Jerky Boys

Courtesy of A&E

Is it just me or do these newer episodes of Duck Dynasty feel like they're just filled with lots of commercials? I feel like there was only 10 minutes worth of show.

Anyways, we open with Willie getting a package from South Africa… biltong? It's South African jerky. He says the name a million times and I still have no idea how to say it or pronounce it, much less spell it.

Jase and Si walk in claiming that they could smell meat nearby and Si says, "What's in the box?" Is it Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head? Nope. It's biltong.

Jase and Si naturally want to try some because they are rednecks and rednecks are all like MEAT all the time, but of course Willy is like... no, it's all MINE, like a 3-year-old with classic middle-child syndrome.

So Si takes to the Duck Commander complaint box about the lack of jerky in the office.

He fires off his list, "No sofas for nappin', no iced tea dispensers, they took away camo Fridays, no taco truck..." I feel you, Si. I hate going to work and there's no taco truck.

They also want better toilet paper, but Si says just to use the women's bathroom because it's better in there.

They finally decide on making their own jerky because Martin has lots of deer meat and Godwin has a dehydrator. Jase wants to call it "Jase Jerky."

Meanwhile, Phil and Kay come to visit Willie in his office while he's enjoying a nice pile of biltong. They've been to the doctor and confide that "we're dying," even though Miss Kay looks totally amazing. I mean seriously, she's gorgeous.

Naturally, Willy is like, "Um ... what?"

It seems as though Phil wants to tell Willie how he plans to divvy up their property. He doesn't really want to write any of it down, he just wants Willie to remember it, so they drive around the property and Phil points out who gets what.

The house goes to Alan since he's the first born and it says in the Bible that houses should go to the first born. It's Old Testament. Iron-clad. Miss Kay instructs that if Alan dies it goes to Jase, then Willie, then Jep, and that if all the boys die in a plane crash, it goes to Si. She wants to cover all the bases.

Jase gets a beautiful piece of land with a river, Jep gets an area with a picturesque fishing hole, and Willie gets a swampy piece of land with a pipeline. He seems kind of disappointed. I'm not sure why as he's the CEO of the company and probably has plenty of his own money to buy picturesque plots of land, but hey, middle child syndrome.

Back over at Team Jase Jerky, the fellas minus Martin go over to Godwin's house to find the dehydrator and end up getting totally distracted by Godwin's motorbikes. They look like kid motorbikes next to these guys but of course they race them anyways. I keep thinking about Chris Farley and his "fat man in a little coat," but this is like "fat man on a little bike."

Jase and Godwin smoke Jep, but Jep has the best posture on his bike and a helmet with butterflies on it, so that makes up for it. Jase keeps yelling something about his winning being about the rules of "geometry" because of how big Godwin is and somewhere Inigo Montoya says, "You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

By the time they get to finding the dehydrator, Martin has been sitting around the Duck Commander warehouse for hours with the deer meat drawing flies.

After an undisclosed amount of time (because I think jerky takes a bit of time to make in a dehydrator), the deer jerky comes out pretty bad. It doesn't even seem like it would be fit for dog treats. Apparently Godwin cleaned the dehydrator out with some kind of chemical that got baked into the meat.

Korie comes up and says to just take the company credit card and buy some beef jerky and be done with it already. And it is the end of Jase Jerky.

Next week: Si discovers YouTube. 

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