'Duck Dynasty' Recap: Scoot Along Si

Courtesy of A&E

Duck Dynasty is back after a two-week hiatus... and after we all learned about the impending "Duck the Halls" Christmas album.

In the latest episode, "Scoot Along Si," we open with Willie on the phone with Jep, and he proclaims, "Just like most men, I believe that phone conversations should last no longer than 10 seconds.”

I'm with you Willie! I really hate talking on the phone, unless it's my mom, or the person is out of town and it's my only option. I think texting is the best thing since sliced bread. Since the invention of the wheel. Since fire.

Anyways, Willie gets so frustrated by having to talk on the cell phone (which you really shouldn't do if you're about to drive) that he backs up into Si's truck, bumping his fender.

Now I don't know much about cars and trucks, but it doesn't even look like there's a scratch, but Si insists on a new bumper which will cost several thousand dollars. Willie is obviously like... um, no.

Cue ZZ Top (whom you can see at the Gretna Fest this weekend, by the way).

While it's just another day at Duck Commander and the fellas are musing about internet memes, Willie does his boss-man hovering act to complain that they're all using the wrong chairs, which leads him to notice that Si is not in his chair, he's actually at the doctor's office to get checked out in the aftermath of his head-on collision. Willie is trying to explain that it wasn't a collision, it was a light bumper kiss, when Korie comes in to announce that Si is being delivered.

Baffled, they go outside to see that Si is being delivered by a handicap van and slides down a ramp on what looks to be a Si-tricked-out scooter. And by that I mean there's a special basket for his trademark Si iced tea jug. He immediately starts scooting around and popping wheelies while insisting he's been damaged.

And everyone is like, hell yeah you're damaged.

A few things Si has to say about his scooter:

"This thing is off the hook and the chain."

"It'll blow your pants off, socks off, cuff links, whatever you're wearing, it's gonna come off."

... Jack!

Meanwhile at Phil and Kay's house, Kay is searching around the house for Mr. T, her pet turtle. It seems as though he's gone missing and she needs Phil to find her another one, so she convinces him to get out of his chair by threatening to withhold "lovin'" or "honey on the biscuit", as Phil describes it. On one hand, I think it's extremely awesome and cute that a couple of about 50 years still seems like they can't keep their hands off each other and they are an inspiration to young couples everywhere, but on the other hand, TMI, guys.

Out in the woods, Miss Kay and Phil are making their way to his crawfish traps to look for turtles and as they walk down to the creek he says, "Redneck women always walk behind that way I'll get on the snake first, see." He jokes about copperheads and she slightly freaks out about it. Kay confides that Phil has always given her turtles in lieu of flowers. That's sweet.

He sets out a fold-out chair for her and he gets to looking for the perfect turtle, and you'd think that the first turtle he found would suffice, but he probably has to show her about 50 turtles before they find one who can replace Mr. T. Some turtles are too shy, others too square, one doesn't seem excited enough, one's too active, and others don't seem to have a pretty design on their shell. Phil tosses them back into the creek like you'd throw a rock and as Kay says to be more gentle tossing them in, he completely ignores her and tosses them even more carelessly. It's obvious that he likes to tease and it seems like they work because while he gets to tease her, she gets to be indecisive and he handles it all with his zen-like Phil perseverance, or what he says, "what a man will do for a little honey on the biscuit." TMI, Phil.

Back at the warehouse, Si is wreaking havoc with his scooter, running into things and getting stuck in bathrooms.

When Willie and Jase refuse to help him maneuver his scooter in the non-handicap bathroom, he says "ever heard of the song 'Free Falling'?... hey! I'm fixin' to be 'free-flowing.'"

After all the hoopla over the bathroom situation, Si gets mad and just takes off on his scooter down the street. Jase and Willie are fine with letting him go and doing his thing, he was in Nam after all, but Jep points out that he was almost killed by a plastic fan.

So they all get in the truck to find Si.

And as Si is scooting along the highway he's having a nice conversation with himself saying gems like:

"Willie ain't got a clue. Knucklehead. He definitely don't understand what it's like being old and everything you got is going south... okay."

"I'm hungry, I'm tired, my back's killing me, my hemorrhoids are flarin' up... okay."

Eventually the fellas find him and Willie concedes about the bumper. Si also negotiates two days of scooter rental and lunch and gets off of his scooter when Willie agrees. They drive home with Si on his scooter in the back of the truck.

Over the family dinner, Phil has a Kay-centric prayer for the episode saying:

"Father we're thankful for the meal that Miss Kay has prepared for us. I pray that more men have women like her."

Awwwwwwww.

And what do they have for dinner? Well, I definitely see biscuits.

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