My mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, got her angel wings.
But it was a big mistake for her daughter to post that on Facebook.
I got to explain.
Ms. Larda’s angel wings come from Amazon.
They were for the grade school Easter pageant – Ms. Larda was in charge of costumes – but Gloriosa’s Facebook announcement caused a major commotion in the Parish. People naturally assumed she kicked the bucket.
And she was too busy to even check Facebook. So she had no idea she was presumed dead.
What happened is that her Altar Society – thanks to Blanche Purella, that goody two-shoes – got guilted into something new – instead of hiring a Easter Bunny to give out Heavenly Hash eggs after the children’s Mass on Easter, they would recruit the older children to stage a meaningful pageant about the Resurrection.
Most of the kids in the pageant just need bathrobes and halos for pageant costumes, but the little girl playing the angel – who happens to be Blanche Purella’s granddaughter, Chastity – needs wings. Big white feathery wings.
Now, everybody knows Ms. Larda can create anything, so they all look at her. She can whip up the angel gown just fine, and even a halo, (headband, pipe cleaner and a little Christmas garland on a wire circle.) But for angel wings, she says, you got to make a base and attach the individual feathers.
Individual feathers? What is she going to do, attack a pigeon? That’s what I want to know. She says well, you can cut fake feathers out of paper, but that that takes forever, or possibly you can hang around a chicken coop, but she don’t have time for that.
So she very nervously takes the Altar Society’s credit card and orders pre-made angel wings from Amazon. Then she sends up a fervent prayer for them to get here on time (“Now God, with due respect, You got a investment in this too. You don’t want Your angel to show up with no wings. It’s BLANCHE PURELLA’S grandkid, in case You forgot.”)
God and Amazon did come through – and that’s when she made the mistake of telling my sister-in-law-law, Gloriosa.
Now Gloriosa is one of those people who posts on Facebook every time she spits. For some reason she don’t look at the replies to this particular post, so she don’t realize people are assuming the worst.
Meanwhile, Ms. Larda is alive and busy helping set up the background for this Resurrection pageant. We got no rocks around here to roll back. Also no burial caves. So they borrow a pop-up tent in camouflage colors from the school Boy Scouts.
Unfortunately, you got to bend over to get through the entrance flap of this tent, and that would take away from dignity of the whole thing — so they got to hide the flap with a giant rock. Ms. Larda’s neighbor Margo just got a new refrigerator, so Ms. Larda asks her for the crate, and covers the front and sides of it with granite-look contact paper. That’s their rock.
They set the whole thing up on the church lawn. After the early Easter Mass, everybody gathers around to watch. Ms. Larda is in the tent, helping Jesus (Arnold Winkler, the tallest kid in eight grade) and Chastity with their costumes, and she presses this boom box they got in there to start the Resurrection music. Hallelujahhhh!
Chastity pushes the refrigerator box rock to one side and steps out – just as the elastic holding up her right wing pops. Ms. Larda sees this, scurries out real fast, crouched over, trying to stay out of sight behind Chastity, and knots together that elastic.
Hallelujah! goes the boom box.
A few people in the crowd see Ms. Larda and gasp. Ms. Larda ain’t hiding as good as she thought.
Some pearl clutching goes on – also some clutching of very nice fake pearls caught off a float..
Then Arnold walks out with his arms up in the touchdown pose.
The boom box roars out HALLELUJAH! and the crowd goes wild.
The Lord has risen.
And Ms. Larda is back.
Happy Easter, y’all!.
