Me and my mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, were talking about it. Christmas is over. Now we got to put away our presents, plus the wrapping, plus the decorations we arranged behind our computer to give holiday cheer to Zoom, plus the…
You can always tell who, in a Zoom meeting, is not wearing a bra. They are the ones you see just from the eyeballs up. My sister-in-law Gloriosa goes to a lot of them meetings, being socially active and all.…
Well, this was all I needed — a Cat One moving in. Now, I ain’t talking ‘bout the weather. This Cat One is a cat. One cat. At first. I got to explain. My gentleman friend Lust is manly enough,…
My friend Awlette says every public restroom is a death trap. She tells me this on the I-10, with 18 hours to go until we get to New Jersey. I got to explain. Our Aunt Chlorine in New Jersey, who…
Remember how you used to go to kids’ recitals? Your family would send an advance group - a couple of cousins, maybe - to get there real early and sit up front and scatter stuff (a coat, a hat, a scarf,…
My nephew Comus is a boy genius, but he got a smart mouth on him. A few months ago, when we were all at Ms. Larda’s, she tells him to put down that phone and come eat. He says “Okay,…
Last year I was complaining about the heat, saying that’s why we can’t never have a Fourth of July parade around here. If people prance around in nothing but glitter and a few feathers for Mardi Gras, which is in…
My mother-in-law Ms. Larda blames the pandemic on goat yoga. You ever hear of goat yoga? It’s this gimmick where you get on your hands and knees and the yoga teacher perches a little bitty baby goat on your back.…
Every disaster has a bright side. My niece Flambeau probably won’t remember her second birthday, back on April Fools’ Day. But the rest of us will. That was just when everybody finally got serious about isolating theirselves in place because…
Never did I think I would show up on “People of Walmart.” My mother-in-law, Ms. Larda says it is my own fault. I got to explain. I bought a bralette— you know, a little elastic bra with no hooks or…
Once you flush a toilet you can’t take it back. You better be sure that the goldfish is dead. Or, worse, that you don’t happen to be on the phone with somebody important. Because once you flush, they have a…
I used to stare at the gorgeous houses on the St. Charles Avenue parade route, and think what I would give to live there— just for Carnival season. Not no more. I got to explain. My sister-in-law-law Gloriosa has a…
These days, when the Gunches get together at my mother-in-law’s, we watch her like a hawk. If she steps out the room, we skulk around, and whisper bad words to every lamp and potted plant and throw pillow. I got…
“T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a...” “Mouse-EE!” sing-songs my niece, Flambeau. Something scurries over my foot. Oh, gawd. A mouse ran out from under the couch —this same…
The Gunches usually have Thanksgiving at my sister-in-law Gloriosa’s, seeing as she has the biggest house. Now, even though she’s a perfectionist and wound pretty tight, Thanksgiving is pretty easy on her. Her house is always clean, so she just…
You can tell Halloween is almost here. They’re playing Christmas music in the stores, and they got three rows of mechanical Santas ho-ho-hoing in the front of Walmart. Of course, everything remotely Halloween-y was sold out in July. So if…
I am not what you call a traditional gardener. Whatever I grow is on leftovers in the refrigerator. But once— ONCE— I did real good with a poinsettia that I got at Christmas. I watered it every day and it was…
My grandkids got a little education before school even started this year. Not that we planned it. What happens is, my daughter Gladiola calls me all excited. She has been volunteering at her school, Celibacy Academy, helping the nuns get…
People will tell you that the reason we usually have Mardi Gras in February —the coldest, most miserable month of the year in New Orleans— has to do with the church calendar and the stage of the moon or something…
First we had the “Marie Kondo Magic of Tidying Up” to feel guilty about. Now we are hearing about the “Swedish Death Cleaning” (pretty much the same thing, but morbid.) In New Orleans, we got “In-Case-of-Hurricane-Cleaning.” We don’t ask, “Does…
Actual conversation between me and my sister-in-law Larva: Me: “I saw that TV star — you know the guy? He practically lives here? —shopping? on Royal Street.” Larva: “Which guy?” Me: “You know! With that New Orleans show.” Larva: “Oh,…
My sister-in-law, Gloriosa, is getting a new dishwasher. She says she is being environmentally correct. But it actually is because of s-e-x. I got to explain. Poor Gloriosa has had a rough time ever since Mardi Gras, what…
You finally get home from work, and if you’re a man, maybe the first thing you do is get a beer. If you’re a woman, you reach around back, unhook your bra, and slither out of it without taking…
A king cake is a thing you buy, not a thing you bake, if you got any sense. But my sister-in-law Larva, God help us all, is baking a king cake. A DIET king cake. Every Friday in Carnival season…
My mother-in-law Ms. Larda says her church bulletin is getting spicy. The St. Expedite Altar Society sisterhood is very upset. Bernetta Longtooth wrote the church bulletin for 40 years, but she can’t do it no more. She got herself a…
When my little niece says “no,” she means “NONONONO!” She is NOT going to sit on Santa Claus’s lap. Flambeau is only nine months old, but she makes her point, and she makes it loud. I respect that. But…
Me and my daughter Gladiola are trying to figure out how she did on her history test. “There was a question about President Abraham Lincoln — what happened to him at Ford Theatre,” she says. “And you said...?” “He…
“Sooooo,” my sister-in-law Gloriosa announces, “I just had a BIG misunderstanding at my waxing appointment. I wanted a bikini-line wax for my water aerobics class. Someone wrote down “Brazilian wax”— bald as Elmer Fudd— and I didn’t find out…
It’s one of those days where everything goes wrong. I am counting. I wake up late (#1) and rush around and grab a stick of Icy Hot and smear it on like deodorant before I realize, so I got to…
A shred of pink paper on my sister-in-law’s kitchen counter reads: “Do not hold between your knees.” What am I not supposed to hold between my knees? Why would I want to do that, anyway? The reason I am…
