Author: Modine Gunch

Holding Up

Never did I think I would show up on “People of Walmart.”  My mother-in-law, Ms. Larda says it is my own fault.  I got to explain. I bought a bralette— you know, a little elastic bra with no hooks or…

Behind the Times

Once you flush a toilet you can’t take it back. You better be sure that the goldfish is dead. Or, worse, that you don’t happen to be on the phone with somebody important. Because once you flush, they have a…

Along the Parade

I used to stare at the gorgeous houses on the St. Charles Avenue parade route, and think what I would  give to live there— just for Carnival season. Not no more. I got to explain. My sister-in-law-law Gloriosa has a…

Hear Today…

These days, when the Gunches get together at my mother-in-law’s, we watch her like a hawk. If she steps out the room, we skulk around, and  whisper bad words to every lamp and  potted plant and throw pillow. I got…

Modine Gunch: Mousy

“T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a...” “Mouse-EE!” sing-songs my niece, Flambeau. Something scurries over my foot. Oh, gawd. A mouse ran out from under the  couch —this same…

Family Thanksgiving

The Gunches usually have Thanksgiving at my sister-in-law Gloriosa’s, seeing as she has the biggest house. Now, even though she’s a perfectionist and wound pretty tight, Thanksgiving is pretty easy on her. Her house is always clean, so she just…

Monster Bash

You can tell Halloween is almost here. They’re playing Christmas music in the stores, and they got three rows of mechanical Santas ho-ho-hoing in the front of Walmart. Of course, everything remotely Halloween-y was sold out in July. So if…

Toil in the Soil

I am not what you call a traditional gardener. Whatever I grow is on leftovers in the refrigerator. But once— ONCE— I did real good with a poinsettia that I got at Christmas. I watered it every day and it was…

The Heat of Summer

My grandkids got a little education before school even started this year. Not that we planned it. What happens is, my daughter Gladiola calls me all excited. She has been volunteering at her school, Celibacy Academy, helping the nuns get…

Showing Your Wits

People will tell you that the reason we usually have Mardi Gras in February —the coldest, most miserable month of the year in New Orleans— has to do with the church calendar and the stage of the moon or something…

Learning What’s Important

First we had the “Marie Kondo Magic of Tidying Up” to feel guilty about. Now we are hearing about the “Swedish Death Cleaning” (pretty much the same thing, but morbid.) In New Orleans, we got “In-Case-of-Hurricane-Cleaning.” We don’t ask, “Does…

Things to Remember

Actual conversation between me and my sister-in-law Larva: Me: “I saw that TV star — you know the guy? He practically lives here? —shopping? on Royal Street.” Larva: “Which guy?” Me: “You know! With that New Orleans show.” Larva: “Oh,…

The Trouble with Texts

  My sister-in-law, Gloriosa, is getting a new dishwasher. She says she is being environmentally correct. But it actually is because of s-e-x.   I got to explain. Poor Gloriosa has had a rough time ever since Mardi Gras, what…

Showing Your Wits

  You finally get home from work, and if you’re a man, maybe the first thing you do is get a beer. If you’re a woman, you reach around back, unhook your bra, and slither out of it without taking…

King Cake Lite

A king cake is a thing you buy, not a thing you bake, if you got any sense. But my sister-in-law Larva, God help us all, is baking a king cake. A DIET king cake. Every Friday in Carnival season…

BTW

My mother-in-law Ms. Larda says her church bulletin is getting spicy. The St. Expedite Altar Society sisterhood is very upset. Bernetta Longtooth wrote the church bulletin for 40 years, but she can’t do it no more. She got herself a…

Lap Lander

  When my little niece says “no,” she means “NONONONO!” She is NOT going to sit on Santa Claus’s lap. Flambeau is only nine months old, but she makes her point, and she makes it loud. I respect that. But…

Ways With Words

  Me and my daughter Gladiola are trying to figure out how she did on her history test. “There was a question about President Abraham Lincoln — what happened to him at Ford Theatre,” she says. “And you said...?” “He…

Waxing Poetic

  “Sooooo,” my sister-in-law Gloriosa announces, “I just had a BIG misunderstanding at my waxing appointment. I wanted a bikini-line wax for my water aerobics class. Someone wrote down “Brazilian wax”—  bald as Elmer Fudd— and I didn’t find out…

By the Numbers

It’s one of those days where everything goes wrong. I am counting. I wake up late (#1) and rush around and grab a stick of Icy Hot and smear it on like deodorant before I realize, so I got to…

Bubble Trouble

A shred of pink paper on my sister-in-law’s kitchen counter reads: “Do not hold between your knees.”   What am I not supposed to hold between my knees? Why would I want to do that, anyway? The reason I am…

How to Flush

Used to be, you would go to the ladies room, do the necessary, wash your hands, dry them, check your lipstick, and leave. Not no more. Nowadays, you practically need a choreographed dance routine to get a hand towel out…

Hog Wild

I am buckling my seatbelt on this airplane. I glance up, and I notice the passenger in the aisle seat two rows ahead is a pig. I ain’t trying to be mean. Everybody has a bad day once in a…

Biodegradable Beads

Remember when the city pulled 49 tons of Carnival beads out the storm drains on St. Charles Avenue? And everybody said, “Well, looka that. So THAT’s why we been flooding.” This gives my daughter Gladiola a brilliant idea. She can…

The Perils of Reveal Parties

Used to be, you waited until a baby was born. Then the doctor looked at its privates and said, “It’s a boy!” Or “It’s a girl!” Now you can find out way ahead of time. So you don’t have that…