We all got Christmas sweaters from my mother-in-law Ms. Larda this year. They are not what you would call ugly sweaters. A little peculiar-looking, maybe. But then, she has just started knitting.
She has joined a knitting circle called Belles of the Balls – they mean balls of yarn.
She was going to go to the annual Knit-O-Rama in Alabama, but unfortunately she was personally sneezed on twice by Trashelle Tosso at a Belles meeting. Next day Trashelle comes down with COVID. So, Ms. Larda has to isolate.
She cancels her trip.
On the day of the Knit-O-Rama, Trashelle calls, all excited, and says the main event, the Stocking Cap Showdown, is going to be on Zoom. Ms. Larda pretends she knows all about Zoom, and then she calls me to ask how to watch something on Zoom.
I tell her how, which takes a while. But I forget to explain that Zoom is not like a TV. Zoom works both ways. THEY can see YOU too.
And unfortunately, she gets the idea to prop her iPad on her bathroom counter and settles in for a nice soak in the tub while she watches.
Then she happens to glance at the row of faces at the bottom of the screen. She’s looking up a few noses, because people are watching on the phones in their laps, and a couple of ears – people who don’t understand they can LOOK at Zoom – and then a hefty older lady in a tub – OH! She’s looking at herself. And probably everybody else on Zoom is, too.
She scooches down so only her eyeballs are visible above the edge of the tub. She can’t get out, because everybody will see all of her naked and she will probably go viral.
She grabs a rubber ducky one of the grandkids left and hurls it at the iPad to knock it over. She don’t throw hard enough, but the ducky is now partially blocking the screen. So if she slithers over the edge of the tub, and crawls on her belly out the bathroom door, the ducky will block most of this from the Zoom audience.
Once she gets out of the bathroom, she has to go all the way to the drier in the laundry room to get a towel, and she is so hysterical she don’t get up off her belly the whole time.
Meanwhile, I had come over to check on her, and the door is unlocked. I can hear her in the tub, so I went in the kitchen to make us some coffee. I am sort of startled to see her crawl by on her way to the drier. But I think fast. When Ms. Larda comes back, wrapped in a towel, I am outside, knocking at the door, pretending I didn’t see nothing.
Ms. Larda says, “You caught me getting out the tub.” And I say I just came to see how she was doing with the COVID. She says she ain’t got COVID and she ain’t getting it because she got the constitution of an ox. So she gets on her robe and we sit and have coffee and talk about this and that. I don’t ask no questions.
And I don’t find out what happened until Trashelle calls. She seen the whole thing on Zoom. She would have recorded it on her computer, but she don’t know how. I hope none of the other knitters know how either.
On the other hand, they could change the name of the knitting circle to Naked Knitters. Might attract more members.
