Whether you’re a wedding guest or a member of the bridal party, you know when the save the date arrives that you’re going to spend a little money. Those asked to stand by the bride or groom’s side know that beyond a simple wedding gift, there are events, attire, a potential trip and more that could be knocking on the door of their bank account. Recently, a bridesmaid took to Reddit to ask if a bride’s monetary request was normal for weddings.
“My cousin is getting married and I am expected to attend her bridal shower at the end of July,” started the post from last week. “She sent me a link last week to reserve my spot at the venue. When I went to do it, it required me to pay $300. I asked her about it and she said that everyone is paying their own way. I am beyond annoyed and can’t get over how tacky that is. Is this a common or normal practice? I am in the bridal party and am expected to attend this thing, not going isn’t an option unfortunately. Also it is at a winery and I don’t drink so I’m paying for something that I will not be consuming. To say I’m beyond annoyed is an understatement. Am I justified in feeling this way?”
Our first thought reading the post was that we had many follow-up questions. It’s clear that the bridesmaid had no idea this was going to cost money, but was that actually the case? There must have been an invitation of some sort, so what was included? Is the event in question actually a bridal shower or is it more of a celebration? And, though not our last question, why is it required to attend?
The bridesmaid offered additional insight about her original post once many comments came in from other readers.
“I was planning on giving her $500 as a wedding gift, paid over $1000 already to attend her bachelorette party, and had to pay for my bridesmaid dress,” said the bridesmaid. “I’ve already invested a lot of money into this wedding and I feel like she keeps piling on more things that I have to shell out money for and I’m sick of it. I’d also have to get a babysitter for this bridal shower because it is on a weekday (Wednesday, how random??) so my husband will be at work.”
If we are taking the bridesmaid’s word as truth there are a few key points or issues with this entire situation.
First, is the matter of what’s required of or expected from a bridesmaid. Per etiquette experts at the Emily Post Institute, wedding expenses for a bridesmaid include:
- Purchase of apparel and all accessories
- Transportation to and from the wedding location
- A contribution to a gift from all the bridesmaids to the bride
- An individual gift or a group gift from the attendants to the couple (if being in the wedding is not the gift)
- Optionally, a shower, luncheon, or bachelorette party for the bride
When discussing responsibilities of a wedding attendant, the institute continues to mention how important it is to arrive at specified times for all wedding-related events, to be attentive to other guests at the wedding and reception and to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with an added note, “attend other pre-wedding events when feasible.”
When feasible stands out particularly with this situation in mind. Though a bridal shower or luncheon – even a bachelorette party – is preceded by “optionally” in the Emily Post list of duties, it’s typical for bridesmaids to throw some sort of event. There is no requirement, however, to attend any event that is not feasible to the attendants – like an event in the middle of the week. It seems that in the case of our Reddit bridesmaid, nothing about this “bridal shower” is exactly feasible.
Because this “bridal shower” is not part of the bridesmaids’ immediate duties, nor considered a financial requirement of a bridesmaid by etiquette standards, there is no circumstance that a bride should require all of her maids to pay for an additional expense that they themselves did not initiate or plan.
Additionally, if the bride knew this “shower” was going to be something all attendees had to pay for, that should have been noted on the invitation and made known to the bridesmaids before they agreed to stand in the wedding. A potential bridesmaid has the option to consider financial requirements and to be honest with the bride about whether or not they can handle the cost. But the bride has an equal responsibility to think about everything she is going to request and be upfront and transparent with her friends – in the current case, cousin.
Though we wouldn’t use quite as colorful language to describe this bride’s actions, we do agree that this is not in line with proper decorum, nor should a bridesmaid be required to attend or pay for this event.
The bridesmaid continued to add another edit to her post saying she was getting a refund for the event from the winery. We do hope that this cousin duo isn’t completely uprooted by a minor bump in the road and that they both can end this story celebrating whenever the couple plans to say, “I Do.”
