Modine’s New Orleans

Foot fault

My daughter Gladiola informs me, in the same tone she would use to tell me that I got wretched body odor, that my toenails need polishing.I thought my toenails were my private business – not like my private parts; don’t…

Cellular adventures

Phones used to ring. They didn’t squeal, play “Mardi Gras Mambo” or belch. Bad enough your kids did that.  And when phones rang, you knew where to find them. Plugged into the wall. The same wall they were plugged into…

Adventures in Spring Cleaning

My mother-in-law sometimes insinuates I’m not the best housekeeper in the world. Like for Christmas, she gave me a Heloise household hints book and says I should read a chapter a night. Maybe she’s right. Maybe Heloise would’ve cleaned under…

The Making of a Name

I go to pick up my granddaughter at preschool and her teacher tells me I’m dead.Well, that’s a surprise.This teacher, Ms. Debbi, is one of them kind who’s always very sure about things. Maybe she gets it from talking to…

Crusading Against Sin

Like my mother-in-law Ms. Larda always says, God don’t open a window without shutting the door. Easy for her to say, being as her insurance paid off and she is back in a nice renovated house right where her old…

Tale of the Fish

I am wishing everybody a Boring New Year. That is what I want. No bank crashes, no politicians caught with their pants down, no sportscasters putting on fake beards and shooting their wives in parking lots. No fleeing for your…

A Gunch Christmas

The Gunch family don’t believe Christmas gifts have to come tied in glitzy ribbons from expensive stores. Gunch Christmas gifts come in plastic bags from Dollar Tree.  But we substitute quantity for quality. The more of anything, the better. That’s…

Dealing with Family

Thanksgiving is family time, but the Gunch family has had enough of each other. I know we got a lot to be grateful for, it being the end of hurricane season and not being dead and all, but I been…

Problems by the Pair

I got a question: How come, if heath insurance covers Viagra, why don’t it cover something that would make my bosom bigger? It don’t have to be implants exactly; maybe something that would work like Viagra – make my bosom…

Modern Driving

Now that we can’t afford gas no more, people are starting to notice their kids got legs. My daughter Gladiola has actually learned to walk as far as the bus stop.She ain’t too happy about it. She is finally old…

Feeling the Pain

Gomer Gunch should have bought his wife a watch.It would have saved all of us a lot of trouble.Mr. Gunch was my mother-in-law Ms. Larda’s second husband. Sometime or other he promised to buy her a watch but he passed…

Modern Times

Grandmothers got it rough. We don’t say this to our kids, of course. We just go off and mutter to other grandmothers. “Our kids,” we say to each other, “survived to be adults without poking their eyeballs out from running…

The Word

I am getting ready to go to a fancy wedding and I slip into my pink frilly dress with the bow in the back.But I can’t see to tie it.I live in an apartment behind the Sloth Lounge in the…

Taking Off

When my mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, gets the emergency call from Aunt Chlorine in New Jersey, the first thing she packs is the red beans. Then the crab boil. Then the Tony Chachere’s.  She don’t want to starve up there.Not that…

Over the Top

I am standing in the produce section of the Wal-Mart at 4 a.m. in the morning, looking in all directions at once to be sure nobody walks up while my sister-in-law Gloriosa does what she has to do.She is weighing…

Making the Catch

It don’t matter what they say on national TV; everybody from New Orleans knows that flashing your bosoms for beads is not an old New Orleans tradition. We got way too many Catholic schools for that. Some sin-and-skin magazine made…