Modine’s New Orleans

Modine's New Orleans: Perfuming the Pulse Points

I hate to admit it, but as you get older you got to try a lot harder. Give it everything you got. Stomach in, boobs out at all times. And forget that rumpled-just-out-of-bed look that used to be sexy. It…

Modine's New Orleans: Showing Your Wits

Young girls used to get things for their hope chests; now they get boob jobs for their flat chests,” my mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, says to me. “You can tell a bosom was bought,” she says, “when you see a girl who got…

Reading and ’Riting

It is hot enough to make your flip-flops sizzle on the sidewalk and to boil up hurricanes in the Gulf, but that ain’t no excuse. School is starting anyway.At least the kids get to be in air conditioning, which is…

Vein Ambition

The legs is the last to go. That’s what my mama always said.Mine ain’t gone yet, but when I look at them in the mirror I got to admit, I miss pantyhose.To be in style these days, you got to…

Communicating IN MODERN TIMES

Used to be if you had something to say, you just said it.Not no more. Busy people want you to email so they can answer when they get a free minute. Your kids want you to text message so they have…

HOSTING THE GODDESS

My mother-in-law texts me that she got Azalea’s disease.Now, Ms. Larda never sent a text message in her whole life before. So that’s a surprise. And I guess the phone autocorrected the name of whatever disease she was trying to…

Grand Illusions

I got an image problem.  My little grandchild Lollipop informs me about this after she invites me to Grandparents Day at her school.Where’s my knitting? Where’s the bun on my head? How come I don’t bake cookies? And how come…

Waxing and Waning

My daughter Gladiola says she is getting a bikini wax. “Wax it? I wouldn’t even starch it,” says my mother-in-law, Ms. Larda. “How are you going to swim in it?”Gladiola explains this has nothing to do with swimming. “Don’t tell…

In the Bag

You ever notice how purses gain weight? Real slow and gradual, just like people do. Then one day you wonder why your shoulder is dislocated. Because you’re carrying, everywhere you go, 20 pounds in pennies, three pounds in gum wrappers,…

Travails of a Class Reunion

I see on the news that 34 percent of the U.S. population is obese (by which they mean “fat”). What they don’t say is 99.9 percent of the female population thinks they look fat. The other .1 percent are still…

A Modine Christmas

I was a disappointment to Sister Gargantua.She taught English back at Celibacy Academy, and I was always lacking in vocabulary skills.But since I downloaded “Word Genius” onto my iPhone, that’s changing.In this game, you got two minutes to find as…

BEING BAD

My daughter Gladiola claims she got detention for asking a question in class. Come to find out, the question was “What shade toenail polish R U wearing 2nite?” And she asked it to her friend Mawlene – by texting.Old people…

FIGHTING PHONE ROBOTS

So, I open up this bill from the cell phone company and my hair stands up on end. Come to find out that $107.43 in charges accrued when my phone was sitting in the refrigerator. (An accident – I was…

DEALING WITH DIGITAL

My mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, got no use for the digital world.We are at the Target store, with my daughter Gladiola, and Ms. Larda finds this fancy cross she wants for over her bedroom door – if it ain’t too expensive.…

Ain’t What It Used to Be

August ain’t what it used to be.It used to be hot and boring.It ain’t boring no more; it’s the exciting climax of hurricane season.My mother-in-law Ms. Larda decides to buy a GPS for her car, so if Bob Breck and…

COFFEE LEFT BEHIND

I ain’t the kind who springs out of bed in the morning all bright-eyed. I stagger to the kitchen, start the coffee maker, stare at it until it fills a cup and carry that to the bathroom to sip while…

KEEPING UP WITH NATURE

When my kids were little, I used to bring them down the block to my mother-in-law, Ms. Larda’s, and ask her to keep them for a couple hours because me and my husband, Lout, had to wax the floors and…

MODINE GETS CULTURE

Idecided that my grandkids need some culture. Not that they got strep throats or nothing – not that kind of culture. I mean the kind you get at the art museum.They are living an hour-and-a-half north of New Orleans in…

CHANGING TIMES

I used to know a few things about kids, being as I raised three. I also used to know how to turn on a TV and answer the phone. Not no more. Take TVs, for instance. Used to be, you…

SHOWING YOUR WITS

So my daughter Gladiola announces she and her friends are wearing body paint on Mardi Gras.“Sweetheart, body paint will rub off and ruin your clothes,” says my mother-in-law, Ms. Larda.Gladiola just smirks. Uh-oh.She means body paint only.It is a Gunch…

THE TROUBLE WITH MODERN TIMES

I remember back when we used to talk in words. Now we talk in initials. Especially if “we” are younger than me. It snuck up on us, when we started using “OK,” for “yes” and “TV” for “teevee” and “D-cup”…

A Christmas Carol

I hate to say it, but I’m not musical.Now I don’t mean “not musical” like when my kids talk about “Beyonce” and I say “beyond what-se?” Or “not musical” by liking elevator music.I mean I can’t sing – or not…

END GAME

My mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, reads the obituaries every day and cross-checks them against her Christmas card list.“You got to face facts, Modine,” she says to me. “No sense sending a Merry Christmas card when you ought to be sending a…

Foot fault

My daughter Gladiola informs me, in the same tone she would use to tell me that I got wretched body odor, that my toenails need polishing.I thought my toenails were my private business – not like my private parts; don’t…

How to smell good

So I read in the newspaper that old people smell.Thanks a lot. This article claims as soon as you hit 40, you start emitting an aroma of old age because of something called “noneal,” which comes from “fatty acids breaking…

The Gunches Florida vacation

My mother-in-law says the Gunches are taking an X-vacation this year. I got to think about that. X-rated? X-treme? That don’t sound like the Gunches.No, she says – X-tended family – her sons Lurch and Leech; her and her daughters…

Cellular adventures

Phones used to ring. They didn’t squeal, play “Mardi Gras Mambo” or belch. Bad enough your kids did that.  And when phones rang, you knew where to find them. Plugged into the wall. The same wall they were plugged into…