The sadness and heartbreak that comes with loss can hit you like a ton of bricks, out of the blue, in the blink of an eye. No matter the type – sudden or expected – every grief experience is extremely unique and individual.
Last year I lost my mother quite suddenly. One morning, like any other, she called to tell me that she had driven herself to the emergency room to look into a swollen leg and foot. As the days passed, we learned that her leg was completely blocked by a clot, and she had suffered a massive heart attack. She was so tough that she had mistaken esophageal spasms for a heart attack, or at least that’s what we concluded. Mom had the spasms several times in the past and knew the symptoms. But this time was of course a different scenario. As a family we went through every emotion and spent the next three weeks in the hospital discussing options with her doctors. They performed a procedure to clear her leg and she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, but we were told there was hope for more time, on average a year or more. The doctors ultimately told us there was no more they could do and that she would be sent home. Two days later she died at home in the arms of my incredible brother who fought valiantly (along with a home health nurse) to save her. The guilt I felt for not being there in that moment with my brother was unbearable. I was, however, grateful that we were together when the doctors officially called her death and that they told my brother that there was absolutely nothing he could have done to keep her alive.
I could never have been prepared for the onslaught of shock, sadness and anger I felt once we lost Mom (and throughout her hospital stay). Why were some with congestive heart failure offered cardiac care but not my mother? Why were we told we had time and to plan for her adjusted living situation when we clearly did not? Why did my poor mother have to suffer her own grief about not realizing when she was having a heart attack and feeling like a burden in her final days? It tore me apart.
After we had some time to let the reality of her death sink in, we were able to take a step back and look at the situation in a different light. With her diagnosis, we had a very hard and long road ahead of us and instead she passed in a much more peaceful way. She was even reading the bible with my brother the morning of her death. It was her time to go and accepting that made it all a bit more bearable, but it certainly didn’t remove the intense sadness and pain I felt. It was like a weighted blanket hanging over me and there was not much I could do to throw it off, but there were things I could do to make the weight feel lighter.
After losing his wife, C.S. Lewis wrote, “I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however turns out not to be a state, but a process.”
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages were based on studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many have used them to apply other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up. The 5 stages of grief, according to Ross, are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Losing someone you love is traumatic, and climbing your way out of that dark hole can feel incredibly overwhelming. Time does not heal all wounds, but it can mend them.
Pharmacist and self-care expert Dr. Alisha Reed lost her husband suddenly when her child was very young. She shares her experience openly through her platform on social media and has helped many with her guidance and insight, suggesting that giving yourself grace and taking care of yourself during this suffering is key. She says, “I want people to know that grieving looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You cannot compare your journey to someone else’s. Take it one day at a time.”
It’s the Small Things
We all experience and handle grief differently. Some retreat and some need to be surrounded by support. I’ll never forget the friends who took my daughter on playdates and lifted that load for me in small but very meaningful ways while I was able to focus on work and spend time alone.
When my mother died, a friend told me that no matter how I was feeling I needed to simply get outside and take a daily walk. This small task may not work for everyone, but for me, it helped tremendously. Did I often walk the path at Audubon Park with tears in my eyes remembering my mom taking me there as a child to feed the ducks, ride a bike or have a picnic? Absolutely, but that’s what sunglasses are for. There is a reason many say that walking clears your head – because it actually does. Walking has been said to reduce stress, boost mood and help move your mind from your reactive brain to your creative brain. The physical steps you take while walking can help your mind feel like it is moving forward as well.
“Journaling helped me out so much. Just being able to put my feelings down on paper when I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I also found that going outside and really paying attention to the things around me helped me to shift my focus to the present and on gratitude,” said Dr. Reed.
Allison Durant, licensed professional counselor and founder of The New Orleans Grief Center says grief can be very isolating and there can be several factors at play offering the following advice:
• Grief is an all over experience – mind, body, spirit – and puts your nervous system into overdrive. It can be all some can do to remember to drink water, shower and eat something. Try to focus on basic needs and don’t judge yourself if some of your healthy habits have fallen by the wayside. Priorities will change. Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, irritability are all symptoms of grief that we may not recognize as such. Be gentle with yourself and others around you (if you are a supporter).
• Family of origin plays an important role in how you were taught (or not) to express emotions or grieve. This leaves so many wondering if they are doing it “right.” If it feels like you are going nuts…you are on the right path.
• Your relationship to the deceased is unique to you, so you are not going to grieve the same things (as others). While it may be a parent, sibling or friend you share with someone, your relationship is different. What you will miss and what you were looking forward to in the future are specific to you.
• We are a death-avoidant society, meaning we don’t like to talk about things that may be uncomfortable. Numbing, avoidance or distractions are helpful ways to “pretend” everything is OK. Today, there are so many ways to do that. When you are grieving, it can be difficult to find someone to normalize or validate your experience, not try to fix you or make you feel better. Grief needs to not only be felt, it needs to be witnessed.
Handling the Holidays
After losing my mother I dreaded every holiday, her birthday, Easter, Mother’s Day and all major milestones or celebratory occasions. We decided to hold her funeral on her birthday, which ended up being a beautiful celebration of her life surrounded by loved ones. Mom adored her Episcopalian church and had even planned her funeral in advance, down to the readings and hymns. In true form she chose “Joyful, Joyful” as the recessional. What struck me in that moment was that the upcoming holidays may seem almost too much to bear, but if I chose to celebrate our memories, it brought a reverence and joy to the occasion that made me feel as though she was still with us.
Dr. Reed notes, “Since my loss was around Christmas, I make sure to take really good care of myself. That looks different at times. I may not want to attend a lot of holiday parties and that is okay. It’s important to set boundaries with loved ones. Another good idea is to start a new tradition so that you can create new memories. We travel for the holidays.”
It’s been the same for me and my family. We share many of the time-honored traditions my mom and other family members who are no longer with us passed down, but we have also created new ones. As kids we made Christmas ornaments with Mom, and I still love doing the same with my family to this day. But we also do things differently now. New traditions have been folded in, like a festive Christmas scavenger hunt and post-Christmas vacation.
“Remind yourself you are experiencing a new “normal” and you can dictate what that will be for you,” says Durant. “I often find people who make a plan ahead of time will experience less stress and anxiety. The plan can be as simple as lighting a candle, making a donation in their loved one’s honor, or fixing a favorite dish. Anticipation is reported to be harder than the event itself so give yourself some structure to it and don’t beat yourself up if it isn’t executed perfectly.
Acknowledgement of their absence is huge but the way you do it can be small and
personal,” continues Durant.
There Is No Time Limit
I remember the pressure I felt when I hit the one-year anniversary of losing my mother. Was I supposed to feel alright or much better about it now that a year had passed? The New Orleans Grief Center states on its website:
“We know that grief is a process. Whether your loss was recent or in years past, working through the emotions is an essential part of healing and living a full life again. People suffering a loss need a safe place to work through the complicated emotions that come with it. Avoiding this part of the process can lead to disconnection and hinder us from living our fullest life.”
There is no more important time to give yourself grace than when you are experiencing the pain that comes with losing a loved one. Find what works best for you, but this is a time to push pride aside and to accept help and support. Sadly, we will all experience loss at some point in our lives. Facing the hurt that comes with it and learning how to work through it is what will benefit you and everyone you love most. There is no shame in crying or taking time to yourself when you need it. Identifying the tools that work best for me during my grief journey has helped me to better support my friends and family who have since lost their own. It’s not been easy, but with every day that passes we make new memories that help our family feel a bit more whole again.
Places to Seek Solace
The New Orleans Grief Center offers individual and group counseling as well as virtual appointments. An open group meeting is held weekly, and members can decide how often or how long they would like to attend. neworleansgriefcenter.com
Forum is an online platform that is focused on providing support for specific topics, led by peer support specialists. app.joinforum.com/support-groups
What’s Your Grief is an online community with courses, blogs and a ton of resources for grievers. whatsyourgrief.com
Wake is another organization that supports affordable deathcare and holds monthly “Death Café” meetings. wake.education
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) also offers support groups and programs for those suffering with grief and depression. namineworleans.org
If you are involved in a community church, there are often support groups available within your community.
“I find so much comfort at Our Lady of Guadalupe Church and the International Shrine of St. Jude. I also take walks around the Big Lake in City Park and visit Longue Vue Gardens. I also recommend seeking a therapist, finding a grief support group, and resources like NAMI New Orleans,” recommends Dr. Reed.
Suggested Reading
“It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand” by Megan Devine
“A Greif Observed” by C.S. Lewis
“The Fall of Freddie The Leaf, A Story of Life for All Ages” by Leo Buscaglia
(great for children)
“Forget Prayers, Bring Cake: A Single Woman’s Guide to Grieving” by (local author) Merissa Nathan Gerson
“Conscious Grieving” by Claire Bidwell Smith
“Anxiety, the Missing Stage of Grief” by Claire Bidwell Smith
“How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies” by Therese Rando
“The Aftergrief” by Hope Edelman (helpful for those who may have found themselves with feelings emerging from a not-so-recent loss)
