Cuisines Of The Nation

Gumbo is great, but it’s sometimes hard to find essential ingredients like kale, quinoa, Sprite and whole wheat flour. Fortunately, my friends, you have me to share the recipes I have gathered during my travels throughout these United States over the past 20 years. The next time you can’t find asparagus tips for your turtle soup, don’t despair; just try one of these entirely authentic recipes:


Philly Cheese Steak:

  • 1 hot dog bun
  • 1 hot dog
  • 1 slice of American cheese

Combine and consume.

Speak ill of a rival sports team.


Texas Barbecue:

  • 5 lbs. beef brisket
  • 2 gallons ketchup
  • 3 cans “pinto” beans
  • 7.32 tbs. sugar
  • 1.33333333333333334 tsp. mustard powder
  • 37 lbs. mesquite wood chips.

Bathe the brisket gently in the ketchup. De-can the beans and wave them near the meat. Make an altar of the mesquite chips. Sprinkle the sugar and mustard powder onto the mesquite altar, then burn it. Serve the brisket with shame, napkins, and a light-bodied red wine. (A pinot noir is always nice.)

New York Pizza:

  • 1 large flour tortilla
  • 1 cup tomato sauce
  • 1 cup shredded cheese or cheese-like foodstuff
  • 17 grams of pepperoni, each cut into the image of Frank Sinatra as a young man

For this recipe you will need a large cast-iron skillet and 2 lines of cocaine.

Preheat the skillet on your stove top. Place the tortilla on the preheated skillet. Do a line of cocaine.


Take a deep breath; it’s just the coke. Do another line to be sure, though.


Chicago Pizza:

Use four flour tortillas.

St. Louis Pizza:

Omit tortilla.

Philadelphia Pizza:

Substitute anger for tortilla.

San Francisco-Style Cioppino:

  • 5 organic shrimp
  • 1 lightly caught salmon steak
  • 1 free-range, cage-free, grass-fed hot dog
  • 1 gallon ethically raised, organic ketchup
  • 2 quarts Benton’s hand-crafted, non-GMO water
  • 2 tbs. gluten-free salt
  • 1 bunch Tibetan kale

Boil the first three ingredients in the second two ingredients. Season with the salt. Add kale, assume downward-facing dog pose and enjoy.

Nashville Hot Chicken:

  • 1 bucket Popeyes chicken
  • 1 apostrophe
  • 1 jar hot sauce

Add apostrophe to “Popeyes.” Add hot sauce to chicken. Pretend Luke Bryan hasn’t ruined Country music.

New England Clam Bake:

  • 37.45 clams
  • 4 bunches kale
  • 3 cups cooked quinoa
  • 2 cups uncooked quinoa
  • Seaweed, to cover

Place the clams in a large pot, and add water to cover. Bring pot to a simmer, cover, then remove from heat. Puree kale and apply to face and arms as balm. Look directly at cooked quinoa for 10 minutes, then add uncooked quinoa (to cooked quinoa). Discard.

Cover head with seaweed in shame.

Florida Happy Meal

  • 1 “Happy Meal”
  • 1 sunburn

Enjoy your authentic Florida experience.

Lagniappe: Disney Special

  • 1 family
  • 1 van
  • 1 Disneyworld server
  • 1 lawyer

Drive to Disney World in a van with your family, and when you arrive for your reservation at the “restaurant” in the “colonial village” portion of the “happiest place on earth,” and your server asks what you’d like, tell your server you’d like a martini. Try but fail to stop yourself from clubbing your server with Ye Olde Peppermill when he/she says, “… And I’d love to serve you a martini, but here at the happiest place on earth, we don’t serve alcohol!!!”

Call lawyer.


I could go on, but I’m about to make me some kale-quinoa gumbo. Bon appetit, mes chers!



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