In an alarming bit of fast food brinksmanship, Taco Bell is rumored to be beta-testing a new weapons-grade breed of taco with a shell made from Doritos-brand nacho chips. Couple this with the pre-existing threats like the creepy McRib sandwich from McDonald’s, an affront to all things wonderful and holy about real pork goodness, it is clear that the big chains will stop at nothing in their quest to conquer and subdue the taste buds of our nation.
Yet hope remains here in New Orleans, where we retain our peculiar insularity from the trends and marketing efforts of the big brands. In the Big Easy, national chain temptations such as Krispy Kreme donuts get safely encapsulated into bread puddings at Boucherie. Still, news like this got me wondering just what we could do to compete with such efforts if we put our collective minds and regional goodies into it. Could we counter such threats with shock-and-awe novelty sandwiches of our own? Can we go toe-to-toe against Big Boy’s big guns? In short, could we hang? I’ve outlined some possible gustatory counter-measures below, and the answer I am glad to report is a resounding “Yes.”
The Real World Novelty Item:
Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites – Bits of mass-market sausage enrobed in donut batter enhanced with fake maple flavor.
New Orleans Responds with:
Morning Call Beignets Stuffed with Stelly’s Boudin and drizzled with Steen’s Cane Syrup. Yum. Three to a plate!
Real World Item:
Sonic Foot Long Quarter-Pound Chili and Cheese Dog – Just like it sounds – a super-sized dog with all the typical ballpark fixings along with canned chili, Fritos and cheese.
New Orleans Responds with:
The Catahoula Hound Dog – a Crescent City Pie and Sausage two-foot bratwurst on a length of Leidenheimer’s French bread topped with a reduction of Brennan’s Turtle Soup, Cochon’s Bread and Butter Chips, and English cheddar selected by St. James Cheese.
Real World Item:
Domino’s Bread Bowl Pasta: Essentially a pizza-dough bread bowl stuffed with pasta, cheese, and assorted toppings. Please. Is that the best you can do, Domino’s?
New Orleans Responds with:
Central Grocery Muffuletta Bowl: Gouge out a ‘muff round and fill it with the chopped version of the goodies (cheeses, meats) that go into a muffuletta, then garnish with a generous ladle of olive dressing. Run it under a broiler and serve to a hungry crowd. Mmmm…
Real World Item:
The McLobster Roll: The McVersion of a lobster roll that appears occasionally as a regional treat in New England and Canada. OK so small kudos for catering to a regional favorite, but still … lobster from McDonald’s?
New Orleans Responds with:
The Remoulator: A Dong Phuong bakery pistolette stuffed with spicy boiled jumbo shrimp from the Galley tossed with Arnaud’s Remoulade sauce then garnished with that awesome coleslaw from the Ugly Dog.
We could go on and on in this vein. Perhaps it is time for a new festival? National chains – the gauntlet has been thrown!
