The big Mardi Gras parade is passing. Bands, flambeaux, marching units, Shriners, an excited crowd and big floats chockablock with generous krewe members tossing all manner of beads to the throngs on the other side of the barricades.
And scattered among the riders are a few teaser-types who hold out a stuffed toy, seeking friends or worthy recipients amongst the thousands of screaming attendees. It’s Carnival time, and we love it so much.
I have often thought of restaurant wine lists in that context. We are excited to be present, dining with friends and family, enjoying all manner of great cuisine in special surroundings. And then, here comes the Boeuf Gras or the Smoky Mary or King Kong. It’s the arrival of the wine list.
There are great opportunities here to score special rewards or be content with the beads.
Restaurant wine lists can be incredibly intimidating: leather-bound books, stuffed with plastic-encased pages, listing wines by global regions only a CNN correspondent can appreciate –– or they are two columns of small-type lines on the back of an already-confusing menu.
Do we play it safe on all fronts and go for familiar dishes and not-too-exciting wines that are easily recognizable and that we have had before, all the while with a smile on our face? But in our mind arises the nasty thought that a particular wine is available at our favorite wine retailer for $16, and here on the list, it is $48. Hell, you are already paying more than twice what you want for the food; now the wine list hits you with all the elegance of a cold, wet dishrag.
OK, deep breath. Exhale. Relax. This is supposed to be a fun evening, not an exercise in self-flagellation.
The knowledge that we have of wines and their styles may not serve us well when it comes to choosing something from “The List.” Part of the reason for that is that many restaurants do not want to have wines on their menus that are also available at the retail level. They don’t want you to know the real markup of their list, and so wines are chosen that are not sold at the retail level. They may be the same wines you normally choose at the retailers, but the winery has changed the names and the labels for sale in restaurants so you can’t compare the pricing.
Another way a restaurant can make a few extra dollars (and just to be clear, we are not averse to restaurants making a few extra dollars. They deserve it, and they have costs associated with storing wines, wine service, etc.) is that wineries quite often charge less for wines when there is a promise to sell the wines by the glass in the restaurant.
As an instance, if a certain wine normally costs a restaurant $13 a bottle and the restaurant agrees to feature the wine and sell it by the glass, they will only pay $10.50 a bottle. Similar discounts from the winery to the restaurant apply when a restaurant orders multiple cases of the wine. Keep all of this in mind as it will be noted again later when we discuss getting help with the wine list.
The winery’s viewpoint here, in selling wines cheaper if they are part of the by-the-glass program, is that if the wine is featured by the glass in a restaurant, then the consumer may be more apt to give it a try. And if the consumer likes the wine, then they will head off to a retailer to purchase a bottle or two. Or at the very least, the wine’s name will be familiar to the casual wine-drinker when they see it on the retailer’s shelf and picking it up will seem reasonable.
If a restaurant’s wine list comes across as confusing or undecipherable or if you want to enjoy something specific, like something a bit sweeter or with more fruit, ask the sommelier. If the establishment does not have a person fitting that description, ask to see the person who put the list together.
With all the wines in the world, someone at every restaurant has to decide which ones will be available and which ones won’t. Find that person. Ask him or her for recommendations. Tell him or her what you like. Do not be bashful about this point. Guys, I admit this is a lot like asking for directions, but don’t hesitate to get outside counsel.
The cardinal rule about restaurant wine lists is that they are lousy places for experimentation. Wines are never more expensive than they are in restaurants, and your wine education should take place someplace else, like home or in a class or at wine festivals. But choosing a wine with which you are not familiar in a restaurant on your own is inviting disaster.
The old saying in football is that when the ball is passed, three things can happen, and two of them are bad. It’s the same with ordering unfamiliar wines in a restaurant. You can be completely disappointed. You can be partially disappointed. You can find a jewel. The odds are not with you.
Oh, and the only valid reason for refusing a wine in a restaurant is if the wine is flawed. When you order a wine and it is in good order, the wine is yours, whether you like it or not. The restaurant may be kind enough to treat you specially, and for that you should be quite grateful, but if you refuse a wine you ordered but you are not familiar with the wine and you don’t like it, the poor judgment is your fault, not the fault of the restaurant or the winery. Neither one of those entities owes you a way out.
OK, let’s say you have done everything correctly, and not understanding the list or not seeing a wine you wish to try, you have called for some information from the right person and he or she starts to recommend wines to you. Did he start at the most expensive wine on the list? Did she choose a wine that you know is marked up 200 percent over the retail cost? Did he recommend a wine that even you can figure out won’t fit the flavors you like or pair with the dishes you ordered?
If any of those scenarios unfold, go to your Plan B. Head to a wine you know on the list or to a wine-production area you know you like, and do your best with the knowledge you have. Just as every restaurant has dishes on the daily specials, every restaurant also has a “push” list on wines. Some wines have been sitting around too long or the restaurant was able to score a particularly sweet economic deal on the wines, and now the servers have been instructed to move the product.
You can sense this when you have ordered a beautifully prepared, elegant and delicate white fish dish, and the server is steering you to an Australian shiraz or to a Washington state cabernet sauvignon. Something is not playing out here as it should.
Now it may be that the server is recommending a soft red wine to pair with your fish. Don’t be turned off by that on the face of it. Many red wines today have been vinified to move the fermenting juice, the must, off of the skins very quickly. Rosés are a perfect example. The resulting wine is not a punch in the nose and possesses lower alcohol, and all sugars have been involved in the fermentation (an indication of a dry wine. It will go great with the white sauce and the delicacy of your fish.
Old rules –– white wine with fish; red wine with meat –– are not archaic, but in the new world of wine styles, the rules have many exceptions. Also presenting a bit of a conundrum is that New Orleans cuisine defies only-one-wine-works-here rules. Our cuisine is layered, presenting many flavors and aromas within the same bite. We are slaves to spice. We love our greens. All of those factors make choosing a wine a bit more challenging.
There are many wine-with-food pairing aids, such as applications that load onto smartphones and computers and offer assistance to bewildered diners, but I’ve never seen one that takes into consideration jambalaya or stuffed pork chops with boudin.
Wine list intimidation in restaurants? Keep your wits –– and your pocketbook –– at a sane level. Don’t panic. You’ll find something delightful. The lists are full of great wines. Enjoy the moment and the dining.