Putting together a wedding guest list can be a daunting task. How many people can you afford? Who gets input? How many plus ones to give? Many questions will need to be answered. But one question that’s easy to answer, whether you’re gathering input from family members or not, is that the decision regarding who to invite is ultimately up to the couple saying, “I Do.”
A question was recently sent to us concerning having a child-free wedding asking whether it was OK to not include children in the festivities and, ultimately, how to let people know in the appropriate way.
The answer to the first question is simple – it’s your wedding and there is no problem with wanting the party to be an adults only affair. It is also acceptable to have children participate in your wedding ceremony while not including them or others in your reception.
Alerting your guests to your child-free decision has a little more nuance to it.
While it is OK to add an age limit to your wedding, it’s not OK to add such a decision to your save-the-date or wedding invitation.
Your save-the-date should include the couple’s name, the date of the wedding and the city of the wedding. Additional items can be included on a wedding website and line indicating a formal invitation to follow.
A formal wedding invitation itself should include – per the Emily Post Institute, an authority on etiquette – the names of the hosts (typically the parents); the phrase “the honour of your presence” if in a house of worship or “the presence of your company” for other venues; the full names of the couple (only first and middle if one partner shares the same last name as the hosts); the time, date and location of the ceremony with reception information following; and a RSVP.
Additionally, you may insert an RSVP card and envelope, a map or printed directions if needed. But there is no mention of attire, age limit or wedding website that should accompany a formal invitation.
The easiest, and most etiquette-friendly, way to indicate you are having a childfree wedding begins with how the save-the-date and wedding invitations are addressed.
The guest list should be completed prior to save-the-dates being sent in the mail. A save-the-date indicates that a guest will receive a formal wedding invitation, therefore, no one should receive a save-the-date who is not invited to the wedding.
When addressing any of the invitations, couples should include only those who are invited and avoid any inclusive language like “family.” When children or the entire family is invited, it would be indicated by “They Smith Family” or “Mr./Mrs. & Mr./Mrs. Smith, and Suzie and Tommy Smith.” Instead, use “Mr./Mrs. & Mr./Mrs. Smith,” “Dr. & Mr./Mrs. Smith,” Mr./Mrs. Smith & Mr./Mrs. Jones” or “Mr./Ms. Smith & Guest.**” Only those indicated on the mailing address on the outside of the envelope should expect to be included in the wedding celebrations.
You can take this a step further by designing your RSVP card to only include the names of those invited, where all they have to do to RSVP is check off their two names and send it back. They will see that the names of their family members, or the option to add in a name, is not included. A, hopefully, clear indication that their family members are not invited.
In addition to this, adding a wedding website onto your save-the-date can help direct people to your website where a FAQ or questions page can indicate that this will be a child-free event.
While you don’t have to accommodate anyone’s request to bring their children to your childfree event, its best if the couple sends invitations in a timely manner so those guests can plan for childcare or out-of-town guests don’t reserve travel for their children, while also being open to conversations surrounding the decision.
If your budget allows, couples could offer some sort of childcare or other alternative options during the wedding for parents, like those coming from other cities, who have no choice but to bring their children along.
If all else fails, it’s probably best to assign one of your close family members or a member of the bridal party to be in charge of kids, ensuring the word gets out about the reception limitations.
You’re never going to please everyone, but the simple fact is this is a celebration of the couple is a personal choice. But let’s still do everything we can to ensure all etiquette avenues are exhausted ahead of time, in an effort to steer clear of bad vibes on the wedding day itself.
**Note: when putting “and guest” you want to ensure a guest doesn’t bring their child. This would be a situation when you would call the guest directly to explain or have a family member make sure they are aware.
