From the state’s beginnings as a French colony, Louisiana laws have always been unique. Being heavily based on civil law, the rest of the country practiced common law, which was in turn based on English legal traditions. However, much like Napoleon never stepping foot in the Napoleon House and French Quarter architecture being primarily Spanish style, rather than French, Louisiana’s laws aren’t strictly based on the Napoleonic Code. Despite what many people believe and often proclaim in conversation and writing. No, as per louisiana.gov, “It is incorrect to say that the Louisiana Civil Code is, or stems from, the Napoleonic Code,” and, a “main source of Louisiana jurisprudence may in fact be Spanish.” But we aren’t here to bore you with judicial tedium. No, this is New Orleans for heaven’s sake so we’re gonna dust off our best TV courtroom legalese, throw crawfish boil spice on it and have some fun.
Bayou Booty
Gentlepersons of the court, let the record show that in these parts, it’s illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. In a state with 3 million of these scary as hell — but sort of cute in a weird way — living dinosaurs, it just makes sense that there are laws on the books about the scaly beauties of the bayou. Even so, the mind boggles as to why someone, somewhere had to say, “Hey, we really need to make people stop tying all of these gators to fire hydrants.” Surely the alligators appreciated it. The firemen most likely appreciated it as well. And we can likely all agree the local dogs and cats appreciated it.
So as not to take up too much of the court’s time we won’t belabor the next point because we all know it’s illegal to steal. But living in the Bayou State requires specific laws not only about where you park your alligator, but also about not stealing someone else’s gator. Even though, one could argue, it’s born into our souls not to steal an alligator because to steal an alligator is to touch an alligator and, we don’t know about you, but that’s all the deterrent most of us need. Unless we are entering a plea of insanity, which being of sound mind and body we are not.
If it’s OK, we’d like to address the jury directly for a moment to discuss something of major importance to the citizens of this great state. Friends, it’s not just alligators that make our Louisiana waterways so unique, we also have Louisiana crawfish, the mighty mudbug, the star of the Spring boil, the crustacean of choice to many New Orleans food connoisseurs. They inhabit the polar opposite end of the scary water monster spectrum and, thus, are eaten at such a ferocious rate during the spring, one is sometimes surprised to see they still exist the next year. Evidently, they are so delicious that — and we aren’t pointing any fingers here, but it needs to be entered into the record for posterity, if for no other reason — some folks have been led to perform a five-finger discount to procure these fresh water phenoms. Because ignorantia juris non excusat aka “ignorance of the law excuses not,” the petty purloiners that get caught can face a very stiff fine from Johnny Law. Pilfering over $1,500 worth of crawfish can get you 10 years in the slammer. Even surreptitiously swindling a few hundred dollars’ worth (which is just three or four sacks) can get you six months. Speaking of crawfish crimes, how about having to pay 10 bucks a pound at a restaurant that barely uses any spice? Where’s our law for that? Are there any members of our esteemed city council in the room? If so, what say you? Power to the crawfish eaters!
One (Go) Cup to Rule Them All
Now that we’ve gotten past our opening statements, let’s discuss the recent Super Bowl and Mardi Gras once again thrusting New Orleans in the spotlight. As we all know, one of the first things visitors to our fair city like to bring up when they’re here or for that matter when New Orleanians are in their town, is New Orleans’ go-cup culture. Many chalk up our ability to walk around town with an alcoholic beverage in hand, like the fine, upstanding folks we are, to the city’s laissez-faire, do what you wanna spirit. With all due respect, those people would be wrong.
At this time, we’d like to enter into evidence Richard Campanella’s book, “Bourbon Street: A History,” in which the author asserts that the seeds of our current go-cup culture in New Orleans were not based in having a damn good time but, oddly, in stopping good times happening in the burlesque clubs.
If you’ll indulge the defense for a moment, we’d like to share a relevant tale. You see, it all started in the early 1960s, with New Orleans district attorney Jim Garrison’s vice squads breaking up many of the sometimes-illicit deeds happening inside French Quarter clubs. Garrison’s maneuvers to remove these illicit trades inside the clubs were so successful many clubs shut down or turned into a mere shadow of their former glory, almost destroying the Bourbon Street economy.
With drinkers and other nightlife lovers abandoning the bars, the bars turned to “window hawking,” the practice of bars and clubs selling alcohol to passersby through windows looking out onto the street, a practice still in effect today at some watering holes and eateries. Evidently, this new drinking mobility led to way too much trash on the streets in the Quarter and was banned by the city council in 1969. Eventually, this ban was challenged in court and struck down for being too vaguely worded which, Campanella writes, “cleared the way for the open legal sale of alcohol through apertures for consumption in the street.” Today, obviously, the aperture isn’t necessary but, the next time you cruise out of your favorite bar anywhere in the city with a drink in a plastic cup take a moment to reflect on the fact that, despite our earlier outburst about the city council, sometimes our local government can get it right.
Also, speaking of the Super Bowl and every other reason that brings visitors to town, it can be said that upon leaving, the tourists and New Orleans expats alike often take a little piece of the Crescent City home with them, as it’s not uncommon to see other cities along the Gulf Coast, or further north like Huntsville or Nashville, with designated entertainment districts where go-cups run free. That being said, to borrow from a certain Super Bowl halftime performer, they’re (still) not like us.
Mardi Law
We’re likely not going to have time for the prosecution to conduct its cross examination on this next point, but we understand our honorable judge presiding over this case doesn’t want to break until we’ve covered the considerable circumstantial evidence related to Mardi Gras. Which was of course legally obtained during discovery, no matter what our colleagues on the other side of the courtroom tell you. Have you noticed that, even though some Carnival seasons are considered long or short, in reality, the season is bubbling right under the surface of New Orleans at all times? We don’t have to tell you, distinguished residents, what the season is all about, as we’ve all had our share of victories, mishaps and hilarity over the years. However, even the greatest of seasons has its fair share of laws.
It’s written in black and white for anyone that cares about law and order that krewes cannot hand out or throw insects or rodents, dead or alive, during their parade. For that we thank our lawmakers. We would hate to imagine a world where we yelled, “Get your hands up, here come the bugs!” or “Throw me some rat, mister!” Note, this very same law goes through an exhaustive list, for the common good of the good people of New Orleans, of what you can’t throw or shoot off (like the much-maligned confetti cannons that can knock out a neighborhood’s power if the projectiles make contact with power lines). It is also in this section however, that you will find a caveat concerning your favorite purveyor of paper products: “A member of the Krewe of Tucks may, during the Tucks parade, dispense the krewe’s traditional toilet paper throw, provided that the paper is fully biodegradable, marine grade and made of most readily degradable form of paper commercially available.” As you can plainly see, while it’s unsurprising that they’ve been charged with malfeasance, the members of Tucks are not guilty.
Other items on the banned list include anything pointy (smart), condoms (no one told Krewe du Vieux, which probably could render them culpable if not for malfeasance then certainly for mens rea or “guilty mind”) and it clearly states that a krewe member cannot throw anything “in bulk” such as a five pound bag of beads, much like the ones thrown by a Drew Brees-wanna be that rocketed off the head of one of the people on the defense team during a night parade. That may or may not have fallen under gross negligence but according to local law, we the viewing public are taking the risk to be at these parades, in that, we are assuming “the risk of being struck by any missile whatsoever” so we assure you the incident has no bearing on us being here today.
It’s important to point out that, while not strictly Mardi Gras-related but definitely Mardi Gras-adjacent, Louisiana law reminds us that we can’t just “borrow” a grocery cart. Even if it’s way in the back of the parking lot at Costco. That’s private property, friends. So, while we can appreciate the guy who has obviously borrowed a shopping cart to transport his extra-large speaker to get the party started on St. Charles Avenue, the gentleman needs to realize he’s officially on the wrong side of the law and could face six months in jail and up to $100 in fines. Which, at the rate we’re going, will be the equivalent of the price of a few dozen eggs.
Now, we’d like to thank you for your patience up to this point, and since we’ve wrapped up Mardi Gras it’s time to acknowledge the fact that a lot of our Christian brethren are in the thick of Lent. Even though Lent is not a strictly local observance, it is related to some well-known laws that go by the name of the Ten Commandments. Can we get an amen? As you know, these Commandments brought forth from Moses lo those many centuries ago are pretty straightforward and while we abide by separation of church and state, some concepts are universal, like honoring your mom and dad and not killing people or stealing things, including alligators. But there is one commandment that sticks out. Thou shall not covet is fine, but thou shall not covet your neighbor’s wife is oddly specific, folks. Stranger still is the longer version which also includes not coveting the wife, the servants, the ox all the way down to the donkey. There was evidently some major coveting going on back in the day. But we digress.
Odd(itie)s and Ends
In closing, we can’t overstate the fact that Southern Louisiana has never suffered from a shortage of quirkiness. There are a host of laws that speak to our culture’s unique nature. We have laws concerning all manner of earthly and spiritual traditions, including Voodoo or “ritualistic acts” (such as the one stating you can’t ingest blood); Louisiana traditional food preparation (restaurants can make your jambalaya over an open fire in an iron pot); and even wrestling bears (please don’t do it). Furthermore, we’re experiencing a time in history in which it seems freshly cooked up laws, good and bad, are being created by the week. But even if a new law is passed in New Orleans and you disagree with it, remember the immortal words of journalist and writer Lafcadio Hearn, a resident in the late 1800s, “Times are not good here,” he wrote describing New Orleans “The city is crumbling into ashes. It has been buried under taxes and frauds and maladministrations so that it has become a study for archaeologists … but it is better to live here in sackcloth and ashes than to own the whole state of Ohio.”
The defense rests its case.
