We’ve talked a lot about wedding etiquette and how to navigate certain situations over the years, but sometimes a real-life circumstance pops up and we are lured back trying to make sense of it all.
Recently, a bride’s cousin posted to a Reddit wedding forum that certain friends and family were going to receive a card in the mail that said they were NOT invited to the wedding, but that the couple would be thinking of them on their special day.
In the post, the commenter mentioned that their cousin was getting married five hours away and due to budget, they were keeping the guest list relatively small. According to the post, “For all of their loved ones who are not on the guest list, the bride and groom plan to send cards informing them they are getting married soon and writing, ‘You are in our hearts on this special day.’” When prompted, the couple said they were sending these cards for the “sake of curiosity and thinking of them.”
When we first read this post, we can’t deny we were taken aback. Typical etiquette says, if you – as a potential guest – do not receive a save the date card or invite to one of the pre-wedding events, it’s safe to say you will not be receiving an invitation to the actual wedding festivities. (With the opposite of that being, if you send someone a save the date card or invite them to your engagement party or bridal shower, they must also receive an invite to the actual wedding.)
But we have never heard of, nor would we advise sending a pre-wedding card that says, “you are not invited,” to anyone.
We decided to look to other professionals for their take, as well as the Emily Post institute. On par with our previously stated feelings, Elyse Jennings of Elyse Jennings Weddings said she was not a fan of this move. “I don’t think a ‘you’re not invited’ card is polite or necessary,” said Jennings. “Your guests will totally get the picture when they don’t get a save the date or invitation.” Closing with, “I don’t think it requires the drama!”
Adrienne Brink with Uncommon Camellia took a different approach to the potential problem the couple might have envisioned and what made them send the cards in the first place. “I like the idea of officially announcing an engagement,” said Brink. “A couple likely has many family and friends who will not expect a wedding invitation, but still would like to know that the couple is engaged. It is far less common right now, but submitting an engagement announcement to the local newspaper solved this problem in the past. How does a couple announce their engagement to those not invited to the wedding? The obvious answer is social media, but it doesn’t reach everyone. I imagine that the ‘You’re Not Invited’ cards were an attempt at solving this problem. My recommendation is still the local newspaper. Published engagements are searchable via Google, plus the couple can share the link with loved ones and friends or mail a newspaper copy to out-of-towners. Plus a hard copy newspaper clipping with your engagement announcement is a memento worth saving.”
The Emily Post Institute did not have any information about sending a card that says “you’re not invited.”
As Jennings said, your friends and family who won’t be invited to your wedding are going to get the gist when they don’t get anything in the mail in the months leading up to the events. There’s no need to state it so obviously with a note that says in big letters that they didn’t make the cut.
We believe there are other options, and a few other wedding-related websites agree.
Planning site WeddingWire.com had a few suggestions. They propose setting the tone of your small wedding early. When being congratulated or talking to friends and family, make sure to mention that it will be a small wedding and when speaking about the wedding in company that may include those who are not invited, keep guest lists and wedding speak in general to a minimum to avoid any wording that could put you in a tough spot.
Vogue magazine had some additional related tips for navigating similar real life situations, but again, no encouragement of a “you’re not invited” card, as they stated “your friends are adults and will know your budget limitations and will know that not everyone can be invited.”
They also suggest always being open and honest whenever confronted with someone who might not make the guest list. Adding that budget and space options are valid reasons for a small guest list and those who care about the couple will understand, so stand your ground. If it is a case where the couple is upset about not being able to invite everyone, Vogue suggests planning a small dinner or fete at your home a few months after the wedding to include those who could not be at the actual ceremony.
And, finally, every outlet we consulted seemed to suggest that all involved remember what’s important, to be respectful of one another and each other’s feelings. Because, at the end of the day, weddings are supposed to be a time of celebration and positive energy, which can be quickly diminished with an unnecessary piece of mail.
