Social media is a vast Wild West of information and opinions where you can plan a six-course meal, while listening to a 50-part series about a woman’s ex-husband or learn how to redecorate your entire house from carpet to comforters. Like most of the internet, social media is where people go to share their thoughts and opinions… or their reactions to the thoughts and opinions of others.
Recently, someone shared the message a bride and groom sent to their wedding guests who did not R.S.V.P. uninviting them to the wedding. And social media had a lot of thoughts and opinions.
The message in its entirety read, “Missed RSVP. We’re sorry you can’t make it to our wedding. Our RSVP deadline has passed and you unfortunately did not respond. We would have loved to have you attend but final numbers have now been turned in and your presence will be missed.”
We of course had mixed emotions about this message, so we consulted with the etiquette queen, Emily Post, to see what protocol the Emily Post Institute suggested. Then, we reached out to a few local wedding planners and former New Orleans Bride editor and Wediquette Wednesday blog writer Melanie Spencer to get their take on the situation.
When it comes to Emily Post’s suggestions, the main sentiment is that unless the invitation says, “regrets only,” sending in your RSVP to an event is paramount. It is in poor taste to not send back your RSVP, even when there is no prompt. “No matter how you receive an invitation, it’s critical to let your host know if you’ll be accepting…or not,” said the Emily Post website. The post continued with how to correctly RSVP given the type of prompt – call, email, etc. – even suggesting that if there is no prompt, a guest should still send their own RSVP to the mailing address on the received invitation.
When asked what to do if a guest does not RSVP, there is zero mention of uninviting someone, which we took to mean that Emily Post wouldn’t suggest uninviting anyone. Actually, Emily Post puts the responsibility of getting in touch with guests onto the couple or inviter noting, “if you want an accurate headcount, you have no choice but to call those who haven’t responded and ask whether they plan to come to your event or celebration.”
Our Wediquette Wednesday expert Melanie Spencer answered a question about this topic in one of our weekly etiquette posts. The question was from a couple who realized one of their “backup” invitations accidentally ended up in their “send” pile. They noted they weren’t very close to this person, but they already RSVP’d “yes” and wanted to know if they could explain what happened and uninvite the guest. Spencer’s short answer was, “no.” She also agreed with one event planner that commented on the social media post who said, “I can whole heartedly say the key to RSVPs is communication from the carriers. I coach my clients from day one to understand that you will receive late RSVPs and it’s our responsibility to remind people.”
We also reached out to a few wedding planners throughout the city to see what they suggest to their brides and grooms when wedding guests haven’t RSVP’d.
Like the Emily Post Institute, and the social media commenter, the main consensus was the responsibility to get all of the RSVP’s fell on the couple.
We first asked Blakeley Santos, the owner of Belle Amour Weddings + Events, for her take. She shared with LTEC, “I definitely do not agree with sending a message to a guest letting them know that they are now uninvited. I always tell my clients to add some cushion into the final guest count number they give to the venue/caterer for instances like this where someone may not have RSVP’d for some reason, but they still end up attending.
She continued, “Life happens, and sometimes people forget to RSVP (even close family members!). I think it’s not worth ruining a relationship by sending that message to someone before your wedding. Also, brides don’t need that added stress during the few weeks leading up to the wedding. If they give some cushion to the guest count ahead of time, this is something that can be avoided all together.”
Elyse Jennings, owner of Elyse Jennings Weddings, had a similar take stating, “My general take on this is that final guest counts aren’t due until 72 hours prior, and if you get to that point, then it truly is too late IF* you’re having a seated dinner.
“In NOLA,” she continued, “most are reception style and a swing of 10-15 guests really doesn’t affect anything. But if you’re having a seated dinner, then the couple needs to be in control. The burden is on them to text/email/call the guests who have not RSVP’d. If you do the work, you won’t have any surprise additions last minute. So, we push our seated dinner couples to be proactive so this problem doesn’t happen.”
Though we do not know if the couple at the center of this post did everything they could possibly do to get their RSVPs in order, and even though many people agreed with the couple in their decision to uninvite guests, it seems that withdrawing an invitation – in most scenarios – is in poor etiquette. If you are throwing an event where a headcount and RSVP response would be necessary – a seated dinner, for example – it is up to you to make sure you have checked in with your invited guests. It’s also, in our opinion, not worth the awkwardness that could ensue when telling someone that you are retracting their invite.
Missed RSVPs are inevitably going to happen. The best a couple can do is plan for this, give themselves a little cushion and do the work to ensure a proper headcount is acquired.
