There ain’t no Modine Gunch porn site on the Internet. And if there is one, it has nothing to do with me. And if it does have something to do with me, I didn’t do it on purpose. I got to explain. I ain’t no computer genius like them hackers you hear about. But this […]
Lunch was about to take a bizarre turn. Lent brings to mind spirituality and spirituality reminds me of Medjugorje. During the 1980s through the ’90s the town, located in the former Yugoslavia, became an oft-visited destination for Christians who were drawn there by reported apparitions of the Blessed Virgin. Medjugorje was especially popular among New […]
It may be Sunday. It may be Tuesday. The only safe bet is that it’s some time between dawn and dusk. All is a blur in a semi-conscious state of post-operative recovery. The guy with the newly rebuilt heart who’s being wheeled on the gurney into the intensive care recovery unit is just about as […]
Jill Jackson is a native who began her career in New Orleans. She was the first female sportscaster in America, a Hollywood gossip columnist in 1,700 weekly newspapers to this day and she boasts a namesake salad on the menu at Brennan’s – you just can’t get much more famous than that. On New Orleans […]
It don’t matter what they say on national TV; everybody from New Orleans knows that flashing your bosoms for beads is not an old New Orleans tradition. We got way too many Catholic schools for that. Some sin-and-skin magazine made that up and convinced a whole lot of naïve young girls from Up North that […]
Tiki TimeBack in the simpler days of the 1950’s, when beginning-to-retire-now Baby Boomers were focused on Howdy Doody, slip-n-slides, hula hoops and Elvis, their parents were heading out the door to the kitsch-iest, wackiest place in town – the Tiki Bar. Don the Beachcomber, Trader Vic’s and New Orleans’ own, Bali Hai at Pontchartrain Beach, […]
11Date in Feb. 1990 that anti-apartheid leader Nelson Mandela was freed after a 27-year political imprisonment. 496Year, A.D., that Pope Gelasius set aside Feb. 14 to honor St. Valentine. 4552Weight, in carats, of the Hope Diamond (housed at the Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C.). 120 Number of single men in their […]
A Bistro on Metairie RoadThough it has relocated from Kenner to Metairie Road, Chateau Du Lac Bistro is still serving customers its famous French cuisine and French wine. Owned by Executive Chef Jacques Saleun and his wife, Paige Amundson-Saleun, the restaurant appeals to patrons who “like four star French food and wine in a casual […]
Nothing warms her soul and wins her over like the desires of her heart. Open your heart and express your undying love through a beautiful piece of jewelry she can wear, and through it remember your love, for the rest of her life. Tower of Loving Surprises 18 K white gold, 6.73 ct pink sapphire […]
Abramson Science & Technology Charter School. Abramson follows the Harmony School model, a college prep program connected to a group of schools clustered mostly in Texas. Harmony schools focus on integrating technology into the classroom, teacher subject specialization after the fourth grade, family visits and cross-disciplinary learning. A science project is required of every student […]
New Orleans City Council President Arnold “Arnie” Fielkow is 6-foot-3 and smiles easily. A former top executive for the New Orleans Saints, Fielkow exudes a mix of a Midwesterner’s optimism and enthusiasm for reforming local government that is blandly reassuring. On this day, former City Councilman Oliver Thomas has reported to a federal prison to […]
Jay Nix, owner of Parkway Bakery & Tavern lets out a gleeful yelp when he finds out his shop has been voted No. 1 for poor boy sandwiches. His contagious excitement and passion for the industry are perhaps key ingredients to the restaurant’s success and popularity over the years. The Mid-City based Parkway, with a […]
The lights inside are dimming and the scene along Royal Street seems to be whirling by, not quickly, but enough that makes you wonder how strong that cocktail is that you’re drinking – or how long you’ve been sitting at the Carousel Bar in the Hotel Monteleone. For the uninitiated, this bar moves in a circle, […]
“Here at Middendorf’s, we’re with you through thick and thin,” greets the voicemail of this beloved restaurant, owned by husband and wife Horst and Karen Pfeifer. If you’ve never been to this “Favorite Restaurant Worth the Drive,” (located off the Manchac Exit off Interstate 55) let me let you in on the joke: Middendorf’s Thin-Fried […]
Dining Favorite place to buy King Cakes: Manny Randazzo King Cakes. Chalmette culinary tradition comes to Mardi Gras with Randazzo’s victory. Haydel’s and Gambino’s bring two other great baking traditions to the front. National chains keep away.2) Haydel’s Bakery3) Gambino’s Bakery Favorite takeout: Copeland’s of New Orleans. Besting Five Happiness for the first time, and with […]
Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets is quickly becoming a household name. Though he’s not yet 23, the 6-foot tall guard, who played college ball at Wake Forest (in his hometown), is being lauded for his grace on the court. “He’s is already a top player in the league,” Coach Mark Iavaroni of the […]
The Bucktown All-stars, based in Metairie, La., is a nine-man band specializing in brass, funk and soul; just the kind of music Louisiana loves. If you’ve seen them play, it was probably at Rock ‘n’ Bowl in Mid-City, where they’re known for playing sassy brass and well-known cover tunes. Band manager (and former member) Stephen […]
Back during my college years, my friends and I would go to Snug Harbor because we didn’t have to wait in line to get a good cheeseburger and a Monsoon, like we had to at Port of Call. Eventually, we ended up bypassing Port and going straight to Snug because it also had something Port […]
This being a leap year, it’s also a federal election year. To help prepare our readers for the challenging task of selecting our next president as well as members of Congress, we have provided the equivalent of spring training with our Ultimate New Orleans ballot. Self-addressed, postage-paid detachable ballots were included in our October and […]
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There ain’t no Modine Gunch porn site on the Internet.
And if there is one, it has nothing to do with me.
And if it does have something to do with me, I didn’t do it on purpose.
I got to explain.
I ain’t no computer genius like them hackers you hear about.
But this Christmas, my gentleman friend Lust got it into his head to surprise me with a personal computer.
And now, instead of picking up the phone and calling, my kids start e-mailing me to say they might fail algebra or be pregnant or go to Florida over spring break and want to charge it on my credit card. So I got to check e-mail every night before I read my St. Jude novena and go to bed.
Next, my daughter Gumdrop starts carrying on about how she misses the old days when she used to run over to her grandma Larda’s all the time. That was back when the whole family lived on the same street in Chalmette.
After Katrina, naturally, we all washed up in different places. I’m in an apartment in the French Quarter and Gumdrop and her little family are an hour-and-a-half away in Folsom.
She says she wishes my little granddaughter Lollipop and me could read stories and bake cookies together like she did with Ms. Larda. (What she actually did with Ms. Larda was watch the soaps and play gin rummy. I think she been brainwashed by the Family Channel.) Anyway, when she hears about my computer, she gets the brilliant idea to mail me a Web cam, so I can read stories to Lollipop.
A Web cam, in case you don’t know, is a tiny video camera. You install it on top of your computer and, once you get it set up right, you can sit in front of it and talk, and whoever you are talking to can see your lips moving and a couple seconds later, actually hear what you said.
After it comes, she phones and asks if I’m in front of it, so I take it out the box and sit in front of it and say yes. Then she starts telling me what little pictures to click on so we can see each other. I click on them and nothing happens. So she tells me again, and I click on them again, and nothing happens again … and this goes on for a long time. Then I hear Lollipop’s voice pipe up with something and Gumdrop says Lollipop thinks I should click some different pictures. I do what she says and all of a sudden there’s Gumdrop’s face on my screen, glaring at her computer. And there’s Lollipop at the bottom of the screen, on her mama’s lap, looking smug.
By now it’s past her bedtime – so I promise her a story tomorrow.
I lay awake thinking about how kids in this day and age learn to go online before they learn to go on the potty. I think that prenatal ultrasound test that their mamas all have – the one that tells whether they got a boy or a girl in there – also beams some extra cells into their little brains or maybe it installs a computer chip.
When I wake up next morning, I’ve slept though the alarm and am almost late for work. I just have time to throw off my nightshirt and jump into my clothes and shoot out the door.
I lead French Quarter tours and we end each tour at Lust’s bar, the Sloth Lounge. That evening, after my last tour, I sit down at the bar and start telling Mojo the bartender about the Web cam in my bedroom. He gives this little smirk and then leans over the bar and whispers he can connect me up with some hot adult Web cam sites. Now I ain’t stupid. I know “adult,” is another word for “dirty old men.” I explain I’m reading bedtime stories and he says, “So that’s what they’re calling it now.” I give up and stomp out.
When I get home, I hang up my clothes and am standing in front of the closet in my bra and panties, looking for something comfortable to put on, when I notice a blinking light out of the corner of my eye. And I realize. It’s the Web cam. I never turned it off last night. I’m online.
I throw myself on the floor and crawl under the desk and pull out the computer plug. Then I stand up and peer at the camera eye. It ain’t off. It switched to battery power. I drop to the floor again and slither into the closet, shut the door and feel around until I find some jeans and a sweatshirt and I get them on. Then I come out and tell the computer, “Delete. Everything. Immediately.” It keeps on blinking. I hold down the power button. It goes off – I think. For good measure, I put a sock over that eye.
Then I call Gumdrop. She says I got nothing to worry about, because she set us up on a secure network. Except, of course for hackers.
Well, if it weren’t for Lollipop, that Web cam would have gone sailing out the window right then. But I promised.
So that night, I read Lollipop her story and we play us a little gin rummy when her mother’s out of the room. Then I tell her good night.
And then, before I press the power button, I read my St. Jude novena to the hackers and tell them good night.
So what if I ain’t a computer genius. I can outsmart certain adults.