The more you tell people that you’re not crazy, the crazier you sound. Which is probably why I’ll never be able to convince my sister-in-law Gloriosa that I ain’t taken leave of my senses. I blame it on the vampires and the zombies. It could have happened to anybody. What happened was, I went to […]
Whether you’re living in or visiting New Orleans, the cocktail scene here is an amazing adventure. But there are a few critical things to pay attention to as you embrace the city’s cocktail culture. First thing to mention is the importance of using fresh ingredients. It simply makes a far superior cocktail. Next, you want […]
We asked some local professionals to share some ideas from their fields. Here they are. Our way of adding spice to the conversations, speaking of which… In the kitchen at Galatoire’s Restaurant, we focus on quality product and fine cooking techniques. Using the principles of legendary chef Auguste Escoffier as a mentor, less is more […]
Are you Errol?” the man sitting at a table next to the sidewalk side of Café Du Monde asked me. With him were three Vietnamese documentary filmmakers. “Yes,” I answered. “How could you tell?” “You looked like you were looking for someone,” he answered. Indeed I was. In fact, I was looking for a man […]
Palate New Orleans, 8220 Willow St., 864-2990, PalateNewOrleans.com Palate New Orleans, catering events big and small, is often at the forefront of new gastronomic trends, so it’s no surprise that they’re talking about a growing number of brides eschewing the traditional wedding (and maybe groom’s) cake for lots of mini desserts. Sometimes, old family recipes […]
CC’s Coffee House, multiple local locations, CCsCommunityCoffeeHouse.com Perhaps it has something to do with the Olympics being held in London this year, or maybe it’s because we’re all looking for something light and refreshing to drink; either way, CC’s Coffee House is having a big teatime moment with a new line of specialty teas. There […]
The stillness of a night lit only by a crescent moon has made many an interloper doubt his courage and sanity. The slow movement of the black water pushes the pirogue, but not in any particular direction – or maybe in all directions. Broad-winged owls seem to melt into the ill-defined outlines of hanging moss. […]
Remember when we had that unseasonably cool weather in April? Remember that? It is all over now, my friends. We will be sticky and sweaty until October, if not longer. Fortunately, we can assuage our worries by dining out. Here are a few places you might consider: When Chiba (8312 Oak St.) opened not long […]
Because of the wind, our tour guide announced, we wouldn’t be able to take a cable car up Mount Etna. I was glad. As apprehensive as I was about this trek up the Sicilian volcano, Italy’s largest, I especiallywas especially not looking forward to dangling inside a basket built for four. Not that the bus […]
When the announcement was made last December that University of New Orleans had a new president, Dr. Peter Fos, it was like a big hurdle had been jumped. After 18 months without permanent leadership (though there was an acting chancellor/interim president), now the serious business of supporting and transforming the university could get started. With […]
History surrounds us in New Orleans. For people who use smartphone apps, there’s a new tool that helps reveal some of the details that might be just around the corner. The app is called It Happened Here, and it was introduced this spring by the Washington, D.C.-based company Mobile Surroundings. The tool detects a user’s […]
• Dr. R. Adam Noel, associate professor of pediatrics at LSU Health Sciences Center New Orleans, is a pediatric GI specialist who practices at Children’s Hospital and has been on a mission to warn parents of the danger of swallowing dangerous magnet beads that can be found in children’s toys. Dr. Noel began collecting cases […]
“Forgiveness will be extremely difficult … as long as you all continue to lie.” – Danziger Bridge survivor Lance Madison to convicted former New Orleans policemen Kenneth R. Bowen, Robert Gisevius, Robert Faulcon, Anthony Villavaso and Arthur “Archie” Kaufman, U.S. District Court, April 4, 2012. n the morning of April 4, Lance […]
It isn’t unusual for Louisiana dishes to come with their own stories, maybe about who came up with the recipes or how they got their names. When those dishes call for seafood, however, some of the main ingredients can now tell stories of their own. That is because a new program called Gulf Seafood Trace […]
When the city’s first NBA franchise was mercilessly yanked from here and sent to Utah, our bitterness was intensified by the decision that the relocated team would keep not only the New Orleans squad’s Mardi Gras-themed colors, but also the team’s name. Thus, in the greatest incongruity in the history of sports, a team domiciled […]
Memorializing Clay Shaw RE: “What To Do With The World Trade Center,” Speaking Out column. April 2012 issue. In response to your timely editorial “What To Do With The World Trade Center,” it would be the start of righting a terrible injustice to have the repurposed building (or park or plaza, if that’s its fate) […]
Your guide to the dining, entertainment, lifestyle, culture and people of New Orleans from the trusted editors of New Orleans Magazine, New Orleans Home, New Orleans Bride, and St. Charles Avenue.
The more you tell people that you’re not crazy, the crazier you sound.
Which is probably why I’ll never be able to convince my sister-in-law Gloriosa that I ain’t taken leave of my senses.
I blame it on the vampires and the zombies.
It could have happened to anybody.
What happened was, I went to one of them Twilight vampire movies with my daughter Gladiola, so naturally I dreamt all night about vampires.
In the dream, vampires had got in the house and I was escaping out the bathroom window when the phone rang. It was my sister-in-law.
(When she has something to say, she calls, no matter what time it is.) I must have snatched up the phone in my sleep, because I screeched, “They’re coming up the stairs!” She says “Who?” And I say “Vampires!” Then I hear her say to her husband, very calm, “Honey, Modine thinks she’s being attacked by vampires.” That snaps me out of it, and I realize where I am and there ain’t no vampires.
Like I said, it could have happened to anybody. But it gets worse. Gloriosa wanted to tell me that her friends the Pursleys from Ohio are in town. They represent the Last Tribute Mortuary Florists (“Flowers for Forever Farewells at Friendly Prices”) and they’re here to finalize the details for the New Orleans gathering of floral grief specialists. I am a walking tour guide, and she’s going to tell the Pursleys to take one of my tours. If they like it, they’ll hire me to guide the association’s Southern plantation bus tour. Besides the money, which would be nice, I would get to ride in an air-conditioned bus all day, instead of walking around in the heat with a frozen washcloth in a Ziploc bag under my picturesque straw hat like I usually do this time of year.
I am wide awake now and I tell Gloriosa I’m fine, the vampires are all gone, and I will give the Pursleys a very nice tour.
Which turns out not to be so easy, being as the Pursleys are suspicious of everything outside of Ohio. They brung sterile sleeping bags to put on top their hotel beds, in case of contamination. They don’t like our food. “You can call it gumbo, but I call it soup with a claw in it,” says Mrs. Pursley.
Well, they must like flowers, so I take them to the old Ursuline Convent garden and show them the relief of St. Fiachra on the wall. St. Fiachra is the patron saint of gardeners. Now, Fiachra happens to sound like Viagra when you say it, so I usually spell it out, but this time I forget. Unfortunately, I don’t forget to tell them that Fiachra makes things shoot up, and that he’s also the patron saint for hemorrhoids and venereal disease. This is actually true, but them two thought I was making dirty jokes about a saint; that’s what they told Gloriosa later.
They also told her that I said Mardi Gras parades and balls are all paid for by a cruise ship company. (I said Carnival krewes sponsored them.) They are convinced that the debauched life I probably live in New Orleans has cost me my sanity.
I try to explain my side to Gloriosa, but I doubt she believes me. She does make me promise that I won’t go to no more scary movies with my daughter.
But I don’t promise not to use my daughter’s iPod.
Gladiola is doing a project for school about exercise motivation. She is trying to find out whether you run faster to music or because of something else. And she says I can help by playing a little running game on her iPod to see if it motivates me.
It turns out, the motivation is fear. This is a game about zombies. You start out walking with the iPod on and the earphones in, and all of a sudden this voice bellows into your ears “RUN! Run for your life! Zombies are after you!” You also hear grunting and slobbering, which are zombie noises, I guess. So you run like crazy and whenever you slow down, it yells that there are more zombies coming from the left! Then from the right! You get so carried away, you actually forget you’re on a street in the French Quarter, weaving in and out of innocent drunk people. Until you zip past two pairs of raised eyebrows that don’t belong to no zombies but to the Pursleys. And if they thought you was a few bananas short of a bunch before, you can imagine what they think now that they seen you zig-zagging around with your eyes bugging out.
By the time I get home, I don’t even care. I plop off to sleep, and I have to grope around to find the phone when Gloriosa calls. I mutter hello and she tells me she just spoke to the Pursleys, and ... I interrupt, and say, “They saw the zombie attack, I know.” I hear a sigh, and “Honey, Modine thinks zombies attacked her.”
Anyway, she says the Pursleys found a nice, stable, older gentleman to lead the plantation tour.
But lo and behold, the night before the plantation tour, the phone rings. This time Gloriosa leaves a message, being as I now turn off the phone before I go to sleep. In the morning, I play it and what do you know? The Pursleys took the old gentlemen out to a nice chain family restaurant like they have in the Midwest. And would you believe, there was something wrong with the mashed potatoes and they all got sick. So they are all three at East Jefferson Hospital, and the Final Tribute Mortuary Florists need a tour guide.