You know what gnomes are – hairy little men with big pointy hats that come down to their noses, and beards to their feet. People stick gnomes in their flower gardens and, lately, everywhere else for decoration. I don’t see the point, myself. You could just as well set my brothers-in-law around. But some people are just crazy about gnomes.
My sister-in-law Larva is a gnome maniac. She calls herself Gnola the Gnomlier, and she makes them to sell – including mini-gnomes for the mantel, for the table, for wreaths, and just to set around the house to startle the cat.
Now usually the Gunch family dresses more or less alike and goes as a group for Mardi Gras – except for the teenagers, who naturally don’t want nothing to do with us.
Larva wants us to dress as gnomes this one year, because she thinks it will be good for business. She says WDSU-TV will come along before the parade and we will probably be on TV. My mother-in-law in law Ms. Larva says that Mardi Gras is never supposed to be used for commercial purposes. But Larva says this one time won’t hurt.
Also, she says the costume is easy to make because it is half hat.
You make a huge cone-shaped hat out of purple felt – big enough to come down to your belly button. You cut a inconspicuous slot for eyes halfway up the hat so you can see out of it.
Below the hat, you attach a big squishy ball-shaped nose at your belly button, and the rest of the costume is beard that touches the floor.
Your arms are mostly under the hat, but you got slits so you can shoot them out real quick and catch stuff, like a lizard catches a fly on its tongue.
Well, there’s a whole LOT of argument in the family about this. As usual, the teenagers, including Larva’s own kids, refuse to be associated with us. But we don’t want them out on Mardi Gras by themselves, so the agreement is, they’ll be nearby, in contact by cell phone. But we won’t, under any circumstances, walk up to them personally or call them by name. They will, however, have a key to our port-a-potty.
(We always bring a port-a-potty on a pick-up and park it near the parade route. But it’s locked, and this year Gnola puts a sign on it that says “Gnomes Alone.” )
So we are all out there on St. Charles Avenue, dressed like gnomes, waiting for the parade – and then, would you believe, this other family comes along and sets up right next to us. And they also claim to be gnomes. They are dressed more like elves if you ask me. Their costumes are pointy hat-size hats, beards on their faces, and balloony pants tucked into their boots. They tried to make their cooler look like a mushroom by putting a round spotted pillow on top. Which is a cute touch, but still.
Anyway, their older kids wander around and happen to find our “Gnomes Alone” port-a-potty. Our own stupid teenagers left it unlocked. Anyway, they read the sign, and go ahead and pee in it. Thank God Larva’s oldest boy sees them, and calls us on his cell phone, and Ms. Larda has to waddle over there and straighten them out. “Gnomes Alone” don’t mean EVERY gnome.
Anyway, words are had, and both groups of gnomes are sulking. And then, a roach runs up Larva’s beard. Well, she lets out a screech that can be heard in Jefferson Parish, and starts dancing around slapping her beard, screeching ROACH and immediately all the rest of us think maybe we got roaches in our beards too, and we all start dancing and slapping ourselves. And just then, the WDSU-TV guy walks by, and he says “Dancing gnomes!” The elf/gnomes next to us pick up on that, and they start doing the “Mardi Gras Mambo,” which is playing on somebody’s cell phone. So WDSU interviews them, and not us.
And that night, you probably saw them on the evening news, prancing around.
Which goes to show.
Never use Mardi Gras for commercial purposes.
