Mayor Trump

When Politics Invades Dreams
Jason Raish Illustration

I had a dream.

No, it wasn’t a Martin Luther King kind of dream. Far from it, in fact. I had a dream that Donald Trump was mayor of New Orleans. From a crowded field of disparate candidates, he had managed to fight his way to the top of the heap.

Speaking of heaps, first off, he crippled the campaign of one-time front-runner, the developer and political neophyte Sidney Torres IV, by tagging him “that hippy trash man with a suspiciously ethnic name.” He claimed Torres was not even born in the U.S. in the first place, but that he came from Arabi.

He thwarted former Councilwoman and State Representative Jackie Clarkson’s surprise attempted political comeback by claiming that she was nothing more than “Hillary in a red dress.” (And to tell you the truth, when you think about it…..)

He did, however, tweet that her daughter, Patricia Clarkson, was “almost as hot as his own daughter” and “a much better actress than Meryl Streep. Sad!”

If Donald Trump was mayor of New Orleans, we would build a wall between the city and St. Bernard Parish and there would be armed guards on the Crescent City Connection to prevent “rapists and criminals” from crossing freely back and forth between the city and the West Bank.

Oh wait a minute. That’s not funny. At all. That already happened once, a little over 10 years ago. And it didn’t go so well. But if Americans have learned anything from the past, it’s that Americans rarely seem to learn anything from the past.

If Donald Trump was mayor, our monument controversy would be solved overnight. Easy as pie. He would replace each of the images and names of the controversial Confederate generals with his own image and name.

Trump Circle. I don’t know. I guess it has a ring to it.

If Donald Trump was mayor of New Orleans, he might actually follow through on the commitment he made to the city many years ago – but which he reneged on – to build a hotel and high-end condo high-rise in the CBD. Then again, he might not. After all what is a man’s word if it’s not, well, his word.

If Donald Trump was mayor, he would appoint himself Rex for life. And Melania would be appointed Queen of Mardi Gras for the life of their marriage.

If Donald Trump was mayor of New Orleans, he would deliver on his campaign promise to bring the Vince Lombardi Trophy back to the city during his tenure an office – and doing so at the next Super Bowl played in New Orleans – at the newly minted Trump Dome in the CBD.

If Donald Trump was mayor, he would appoint John Curtis, headmaster and football coach of perennial state football champion John Curtis High School, as the head of the Port of New Orleans, primarily because John Curtis “is a winner,” but also because he has no experience at all in shipping.

If Donald Trump was mayor of New Orleans, he would employ enhanced interrogation techniques to finally end the “carnage” that has rendered New Orleans a waste land in recent decades by finding out just who the hell’s idea it was it to tear up, tear out, renovate, repave and shut down every major thoroughfare in the city at exactly the same time.

And if Donald Trump was mayor, he would assign me a seat on the bench of the Louisiana Supreme Court. In his tweet announcing this surprise appointment, he would explain his decision because I went to Georgetown Prep High School in Rockville, Maryland. That’s where the beleaguered U.S. Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, went to high school also, graduating just a few years after me. Digging in his heels, Trump decided he was putting a Little Hoya on the bench no matter what it took.

Admittedly, Gorsuch is infinitely more qualified to serve on the bench than I am. First of all, he’s a lawyer; that would seem like an asset.

But he is also the son of the former head of the EPA, Anne Gorsuch Burford. So since my name sounds very Anglo-Saxon and much less like a slow cooked Serbia-Croatian goat stew, I was really all Trump had to turn to in the city.

But I have my apprehensions about all that. So to paraphrase a familiar political pronouncement, originally from William Tecumseh Sherman: “If nominated, I will not run. If elected….”

Well, that’s another story, l guess. Sounds like it could be a pretty cool gig.


Categories: Theatre + Art