You might feel dread or excitement, indifference, or nostalgia when you hear “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” No matter what you feel, it’s okay. You don’t have to be the Grinch to acknowledge that certain parts of the holiday season are grimace-inducing. You don’t have to be an Elf on the Shelf to realize that seasonal rituals can feel like an exhausting daily game of hide and seek. And, you don’t have to be a child to revel in the decorations, lights, songs, food and profound joys that define this time of year.
But no matter what your holiday-associated emotions are, stress is practically unavoidable. One way to minimize this is to learn to adjust your attitude about these high-expectation weeks. Ultimately, “the holidays,” whatever that phrase means to you, need not be the same each year and need not be extraordinary.
As our lives change, so do the holidays. Expecting them to be the joyful Santa-stocking-filled days of yore may be the first mistake we make when we hit a certain age. Just as your birthday celebrations change with time, so do your holiday experiences. Rather than be sad or worried about them not being what they were or what others expect them to be, begin to think about them as malleable moments that you can shape rather than shun.
Talking with loved ones about what you thought was stressful or what you enjoyed and want to repeat, could create possibilities for everyone involved. Just by expressing our desires and our disappointments about the holidays, we can start to collaborate and change some parts of our holiday experiences to suit our needs, rather than trying to squeeze into last year’s or a lifetime’s oversized Santa suit of expectations.
And while we may have Charles Dickens to “blame” for creating some of the modern-day rituals and romanticism of Christmas that have led to so much stress and imbalance, consider his treatise “What Christmas Is as We Grow Older”, which offers acceptance of how this wish-filled holiday evolves with age and should be embraced for its past as much as its present:
“Therefore, as we grow older, let us be more thankful that the circle of our Christmas associations and of the lessons that they bring, expands! Let us welcome every one of them, and summon them to take their places by the Christmas hearth.
Welcome, old aspirations, glittering creatures of an ardent fancy, to your shelter underneath the holly! We know you and have not outlived you yet. Welcome, old projects and old loves, however fleeting, to your nooks among the steadier lights that burn around us. Welcome, all that was ever real to our hearts; and for the earnestness that made you real.”
You can’t make everyone happy, so take time to give yourself a reward for your hard work of the past day, week, month and year.”
– Dr. Timothy Gioe
We in New Orleans are a bit luckier than the rest of the country—there’s no time for the post-holiday blues with everything turning purple, green, and gold right after. We can go from the highly anticipated winter holidays to the wonders of Twelfth Night and then weeks of parades and events, costumes and king cakes.
But until then, let us get through December…
The Three “B”s of Holiday Survival: Balance, Boundaries, and Being (With Your Feelings)
Tips from Local Mental Health Professionals
Many mental health professionals interviewed have three similar themes when asked about creating more balance and less stress during the holidays. One is that acknowledging how you feel is key to overall mental health. The mix of memories, good and bad, combined with a loss of routine throughout December can create a unique combination of feelings and anxiety. These can be lessened by recognizing the reality of your emotions and not being ashamed of them. Two, that expressing gratitude is also key. Taking time to see what is good in your life and being thankful for it goes a long way toward sustainable mental health. And three, in various ways, they all spoke of setting boundaries. If this is a problem for you for the other eleven months of the year, use December to practice saying “No.” We all need some peace and quiet now and then, and these are crucial during heightened emotional times. It is counterintuitive during the holidays to take time for yourself, as it is the “season of giving,” but you will be unable to of yourself if you don’t lessen your overall output—and give yourself a break.
Bonus: All the advice, suggestions, and insights are relevant and applicable all 12 months of the year!
BALANCE
“Dopamine is released in anticipation of a reward, so feed this by planning something enjoyable that you can look forward to. Diligently schedule these like you would a doctor’s appointment or a work meeting.
If you think of your life as three domains, self, school/career, and interpersonal relationships, and each domain represents three legs of a tripod, if you are spending time working most of your waking hours without balancing self-care and socializing with friends or family, you are bound to tip over.
The holidays force us to listen to our bodies. You can’t make everyone happy, so take time to give yourself a reward for your hard work of the past day, week, month, and year.
Put your phone away to drown out the noise and get outside! Not everyone loves to exercise, but sometimes just being outside and being in nature can dramatically decrease one’s anxiety. The holidays can give us this opportunity.
If you are experiencing anxiety daily, it’s important to let your loved ones and friends know. Calling or texting that friend you haven’t spoken to in months or making it a priority to get together with a particular individual or group of individuals is important. We are social animals. Do not be afraid of venting to the ones we love. They may want to talk about their own mental health with someone as well.”
– Dr. Timothy Gioe, MSN, APRN, PMHNP-BC of Crescent City Psychiatric, crescentcitypsychiatric.com/blog
BOUNDARIES
“While the holidays can bring connection and comfort, they can cause grief and mental health issues to resurface extra strongly during this time of year. That’s why it’s necessary to be aware of our boundaries. We can be proactive about having good boundaries before, during, and after the holiday season by:
Knowing and honoring our limits. We have limits with time, resources, money, and energy. We have emotional limits, social limits, relational limits, mental limits, and physical limits. We need to know ourselves well enough to know what our limits are. When are we getting socially drained, overwhelmed, or exhausted? How much money do we have to spend on travel, gifts, and fun? When does the calendar feel too full? When is it all too much? Who are the people we just can’t be around longer than two minutes? You don’t have to do it all. You can’t, because you’re limited.
Make a life-draining and life-giving list. What normally tends to drain you during the holidays? Certain people? Plans? Family obligations? Certain expectations or expenses? Make a list. Then make a list of things that normally breathe life back into you during the holidays. Things you enjoy. People you love. Places that feel safe to you. You can’t avoid everything that drains you, but you can be more aware of how you spend your time.
Set holiday intentions. What do you want this season to be about this year? Maybe you hope for simplicity and more rest. Maybe you hope for more freedom and fun. Maybe you want to reconnect with your faith tradition. Maybe you want new adventures. Maybe you want to see family members you haven’t seen in a while. When you set intentions for the season, you can have an idea of how to spend your time, energy, and money. Then it’s up to you to do what’s in your control to live according to that intention.
The light’s all around you. You just have to pay attention. And let it gently bring you back to a place of comfort and joy.”
– Kerrah E. Fabacher
LOOK FOR THE LIGHT
Many know deep pain during the holidays. They miss a loved one who’s passed away. They are grieving because their divorce has changed the season so much for them. Their trauma seems to get louder. Maybe they’ve lost hope. Maybe they don’t know what they believe anymore. Maybe they’re hurting. And it can be easy to get sucked into that darkness and despair and hopelessness. But something I tell my clients, listeners, and social media followers all the time is that we just want to find a little bit of light. Because even a little bit of light will capture our attention in a dark place. Our eyes are drawn to it. So, every day, try to find a little bit of light. Notice how great the sun feels on your skin. How nice the weather is. How great that hug felt from your friend. How you saw a funny meme that made you laugh. How there was no traffic on your way to work. How that guy smiled at you in the elevator. How you love Christmas lights. How holiday music makes you roll your eyes, but you secretly love listening to it. Taking your dog on a walk. Watching your kids’ eyes light up from the magic of the season.
The light’s all around you. You just have to pay attention. And let it gently bring you back to a place of comfort and joy.”
– Kerrah E. Fabacher, Licensed Professional Counselor, Boundaries Coach, Speaker, Writer, Podcaster, Be Known, LLC, kerrahfabacher.com
BEING—WITH YOUR FEELINGS
“Every time you notice a negative feeling, give yourself permission to feel it.
It’s very normal for people, especially survivors of any type of childhood or family trauma to find the holidays painful or triggering. They may enjoy some of the customs and traditions, but their repetition inevitably provokes memories of previous experiences, even unpleasant ones. For those who grew up not accepted for who they are, particularly anyone who was ‘different,’ the ‘black sheep’ of the family, or people in the LGBTQ community whose family did not accept them, the holiday season can represent a time of isolation, and can increase any already present negative feelings.
There is often a great deal of shame associated with feeling negative feelings during the holiday season when everyone is expected to be joyous and happy. But this shame can cause people to stuff their feelings, manifesting as depression and anxiety. It is better to acknowledge any negative feelings or emotions, be it sadness, grief, frustration, or just regular holiday stress from rushing around. Acknowledge it, and give yourself permission to feel it, and this will help you improve mood stability in the long run.
One strategy is to immediately follow up negative feelings with a positive affirmation. For example: “I feel sad that I don’t get to have the peaceful and warm holidays that others seem to be having. I have the right to feel this way. And, I am working on my own personal healing and breaking patterns, so I can offer a nice holiday season to my own children.”
– Kaytlyn “Kaytee” Gillis, LCSW-BACS, kaytlyngillislcsw.com
While some 85% of Americans claim to celebrate Christmas (according to statista.com, 2022), if you have negative associations with this holiday, consider researching other December holidays for a new perspective, or find friends who celebrate one of the following and ask for their insights about and plans for these less commercial holidays:
Hanukkah —December 7-December 15, 2023. According to blogger Molly Trotsky (https://www.heyalma.com/) is perfect for introverts because it can be celebrated at home alone, there are no costly required gifts or parties, and no religious ceremonies. “Unlike Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, which heavily feature synagogue attendance as a prime way to observe the holy days, there are no special Hanukkah synagogue services. This means you don’t have to feel guilty about not going to a place that might push all your introvert buttons.”
Bodhi Day — December 8, 2023. Bodhi Day is celebrated in a calm and quiet way by meditating and praying. Some Buddhists decorate a Bodhi Tree with lights and display statues of Buddha.
Las Posadas — December 16-December 24, 2023. Celebrated since the 1500s, this Latin American celebration honors the journey that Joseph and Mary made from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Each night, children dress up as angels and lead their families and others in caroling and re-enactments, asking for lodging (posadas means “inn” or “lodging”).
Winter Solstice — December 21, 2023. It’s easy to create your own nature-based rituals for celebrating the shortest day of the year. Whether crafting or cooking, there are so many ways to make this your own celebration of winter and light.
Kwanzaa — December 26, 2023, to January 1, 2024. This African American holiday created in 1966 was not intended to “replace” Christmas although that is the common misperception. The weeklong celebration focuses on one principle each day: unity, self-determination, collective work, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith.
