Here at Haute Plates Product Design and Widget Factory, we are always on the lookout for new and interesting ideas. Emphasis on “new.” We invite you to share your ideas in the comments below, and assure you that we will not steal your ideas unless we think we can get away with it.
Haute Plates has conducted extensive market research into what appeals to the majority of consumers. That research was time consuming and expensive, and the Haute Plates Research Budget has dipped somewhat in recent years, as Haute Plates’ status as a non-profit has been challenged by the IRS, who for some reason have questioned the validity of Haute Plates’ donations to offshore bank accounts and deductions for “baccarat losses.”
Regardless, Haute Plates is marching forward, ever forward, towards the glorious day when Haute Plates can avoid filing for bankruptcy and fulfill Haute Plates’ ultimate goal of helping people less fortunate than Haute Plates right after Haute Plates gets what Haute Plates needs, if you know what Haute Plates is saying?
So Haute Plates wants your thoughts on the following products and/or business enterprise ideas. Haute Plates values your comments, as long as same are intelligible and free of invective directed at Haute Plates. Feel free to direct invective elsewhere.
The Idea: Walnut shell confit.
The Pitch: Haute Plates recently paid something like $12 for an ounce of walnut and fig confit at a high-end gourmet shop. If people will pay $12 for that, they’ll pay $8 for the shells, “simmered in locally sourced spring water, alfalfa seed and quinoa.” Throw a few raisins in there, cook it long enough, and it’ll probably be edible.
Verdict: SELLS ITSELF.
The Idea: Urban Foraging
The Pitch: Haute Plates has noticed that people are all over the “locally raised” thing these days. People apparently want to eat only things that are produced within a few miles of their homes. Which is great, because there are ample opportunities to “forage” in an urban environment, and Haute Plates, (or Haute Plates’ designated subcontractor) is here to show you how to live “off the grid” while still having access to free WiFi.
Haute Plates will teach you how to identify edible greens that grow in urban settings like purslane and dandelion. For a few dollars more, Haute Plates will show you how to distinguish between edible greens and those which might leave you retching into your locally-sourced hemp carry-all.
The Idea: VINEGAR
The Pitch: Do you drink wine? Do you also sometimes have leftover wine? Don’t feel like a quitter, put that leftover wine to use by purchasing Haute Plates Guide to Vinegar Production Using Leftover Wine That Is Not So Bad You Want To Throw It Away, But You Feel Guilty and Hey, Isn’t There A Guide From Haute Plates That Explains Using Old Wine to Make Vinegar?
Yes, there is. And you can purchase it for $29.99. For only $39.99 more, you can have a
Verdict: ::MIKE DROP::
The Idea: Haute Plates Guide to the Cuisine of 1980’s British Pop Music
The Pitch: What does Robert Smith of the Cure eat at home? Does the Smiths’ Morrissey still keep a vegan lifestyle? What about that guy from A Flock of Seagulls? Does he just eat fish, like a real seagull? How deep did the seagull thing go? Where does the guy from Simply Red go for burgers when he’s in Los Angeles?
Haute Plates doesn’t know, but Haute Plates will engage in rampant speculation for your entertainment. Call 1-900-HAUTE PLATES DISHES ON 80S POP STARS CUISINE and for the low price of $1.99/minute, Haute Plates will tell you what that dude from Men Without Hats is eating these days (things you’d find at a renaissance festival), and whether Corey Hart wears his sunglasses in restaurants (No, because he’s dead as far as Haute Plates knows).
UPDATE: COREY HART IS NOT DEAD, BUT IS CANADIAN. MAY OR MAY NOT STILL WEAR SUNGLASSES, BUT AT 54, THEY ARE PROBABLY BIFOCALS.
Verdict: Nostalgia sounds like a brain disorder, and maybe it should be, since there is almost certainly someone, somewhere, pining for Mr. Mister.
Do you have an idea for a food-related business or accurate method to determine whether musicians popular in the 1980s are still alive? Leave a comment!