Thirty percent of my physical possessions and 70 percent of my living arrangements are Craigslist discoveries. That is not necessarily to say that the roommates I've found on Craigslist are of any higher caliber than, say, the 25-inch Sony Trinitron television I bought two years ago that's only kind of really obviously partial to blue projections. It's just that the online auction house is a wonderful repository for mostly affordable – and sometimes tolerable – merchandise and real estate.

Of course, there are Craigslist horror stories. But if you trust your dating life to a site that prides itself on anonymity and affordability, you're asking for trouble, and police statements, in that order.

And so it happened that, this month, I happened to be more responsible than usual. At month's end, after throwing my usual interest payments to the pack of angry collections agents who keep rudely filling up my email and voicemail inboxes (as if I just didn't know that I still owe them), I was flush with – literally – dozens of extra dollars. It occurred to me that, were I to purchase a sturdy bicycle with which to commute, I could save money on gas, and have other such months during which I wouldn't have to play overdue-bill roulette.

Where to find such a bike? No time to shop. Hiding from your bankrollers is a full-time gig. Perhaps the internet? After all, it is the same internet that sustains me (sort of), and on which I have found nine people with whom I've lived harmoniously and two who … well, that's another story, and it explains in part why I haven't been back to California since 2008.

To cut my preamble short, I found an ad. The bike was within my price range. It even seemed serviceable, if a little gaudy. But the real gem was the ad itself. It occurred to me that, since it was written, it could loosely be considered prose, so I could justify plugging it here; you know, "something something unconventional genre something something innovative."

I've attached a link to the ad. But I warn you, do not read any further if you are offended by graphic language, sardonic characterizations of hipsters or general hilarity.



Seriously, turn back now.



This is your last chance.



OK, here it is. Have fun!