I’m all about the quarantine trends – I’ve either embraced them, have always done them, or plan to do them soon. Sanitizing, hand-washing, bread-baking? All in. Sourdough starter? Yep, bubbling away happily in the back room, started it six weeks ago. Quarantini cocktail hour? Absolutely. Allison Roman’s shallot pasta? Making it this week – already got the anchovies and tomato paste! Zoom meetings without pants? I’ve been dreaming about conducting business in my underwear for years! Losing my shit over “new math”? Way ahead of y’all. Getting a pet? Did it last year – definitely not doing it again, though.

I love my dog. He is my baby, my snuggle-face, my handsome little button-bear, my floofy-butt-muffin-pie. (His name is Milo; his nicknames are legion.) At least 45 times a day, either I or my daughters ask him rhetorically and in a high-pitched voice, “Why are you so cute?!?!” And he is! He IS so cute! He is also a massive jerk who steals food, shreds stuffed animals, pulls trash out of the trash can and devours it on the floor, jumps, drools, sheds, drinks from the toilet, eats tampons, and attacks the vacuum cleaner. I am not about to get another dog.

The deal I made with my kids when agreeing to get a dog is the same one every parent makes with their kids when agreeing to get a pet: “You have to help take care of it.” And it worked out the same way it always does: They pretty much don’t at all.

They did, however, demand that Milo be allowed to describe quarantine from his point of view. So I said I would give him this platform if they interpreted for him. And here we go:

HIIII … so my name is Milo. I’m a dog. I’m not quite sure why my people are staying home all the time, but I’m not against it in any way. First of all, I keep getting lots of walks and treats. I typically sleep in Ruby’s bed (she is the one with the curly hair). Then we both get up EARLYYYY. She lets me outside so I can pee. While I pee, she stays inside and makes food. I always try to take her food, but I’m yelled at when I attempt the robbery. Don’t worry, guys — I always pay her back in kisses. Then we go back into the curly-haired girl’s room. She opens the bright computer while she pets me. I try to go back to sleep. Life is hard being a puppy! Then the food-maker, Eve, exits her lair after about three quick power naps. Ruby and Eve both pet me for awhileeee. I then get fed my yummy warm breakfast. More pets for me after. Then I go upstairs to check out Robert, the stricter love monster. I sleep again on the dirty clothes pile. I get walks after that!!!! I LOVE MY WALKSSSS!!! We play on walks too — did you know that? The game is me trying to eat the leash and my people yelling at me and pulling the leash out of my mouth, like funner tug of war. Then I play with my playmate Rosie. She is a me who lives across the street. We play and play. Then I get dinner and “play” with Ruby. This game is me biting her while she pets me. Then I get put into my crate for being bad. I’m let out a few minutes later. Then I go pee again. (Outside, of course. I’m not an animal.) Then I go sleepies in curly-haired girl’s bed again. Repeat the next day. Anyway I’m very loved, and quarantine is great for me.

It looks like we’re going to enter Phase 1 soon (I personally am staying inside for awhile longer), but until we get the official green light here in NOLA, I hope your quarantine is every bit as awesome as Milo’s.

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