Not guns.

That’s all I had as a topic.

Something that was not guns.

Because what on earth could I have to say about guns that hasn’t been said?

And it’s not like I have a particularly well-articulated argument.

I’m not anti-gun.

I get that a gun would be good to have in the event of a home invasion or a zombie apocalypse, although I am entirely certain that in either scenario, I would freeze and be killed by a home invader/zombie well before I could get my wits together enough to think to grab a gun and even then I would probably be unable to actually pull the trigger.

I understand that there are people who enjoy target practice or hunting, and I honestly respect people who are able to kill their own food. If I had to kill my own food, I would become a pescatarian and maybe not even that because to be perfectly honest, I have to look away when they dump in the crawfish at crawfish boils. I do have seriously fond memories of the venison jerky my friend in Missouri used to make for me, though, so I’m basically a giant hypocrite.

Anyway, I’m not anti-gun.

I’m in the camp, I guess you’d say, of Not Anti-Gun but Even Five Years Later Can’t Talk About Sandy Hook Without Breaking Down in Tears but Also Really Conflict-Averse and Not Willing to Argue With People Who Are VERY Pro-Gun.

The camp of Yes, I Have Read the Constitution and Understand It and Support Gun Ownership and Even Have a Gun in the House (Locked Up) but Also Do You REALLY Think That Teaching Children Who Can Barely Even Read Yet That They Have to Do Intruder Drills in Which They Are Told to Hide in the Bathroom and Stand on the Toilet so an Active Shooter Can’t See Their Feet Is Really the Best Way to Handle This Problem and Is What the Founding Fathers Would Have Wanted REALLY? REALLY?

The camp of Oh, God, I Don’t Want to Alienate Friends and Family Members Because I Love and Respect Them and I Know We’re Not Going to Change One Another’s Minds but Also I Am Just Completely Sickened by the Number of Mass Shootings in America and Wish I Had an Answer and It Seems Like MAYBE We Could Do SOMETHING About Guns Because Back When They Wrote the Constitution We Had Muskets and Actually You’re Right I Don’t Even Know Enough About Guns to Know What a Musket Is but It’s Definitely Not an AR-15.

I know it’s not guns that kill people on their own. I know mental health is an issue. I know Chicago has strict gun laws and huge gun casualties. I know people determined to kill will find a way. I am a fervent supporter of the Bill of Rights.

I also know I don’t feel safe anymore. I am scared at the movies. I am scared in crowds. And God help me, I am scared sending my kids to school.

I’m sure they are safe there. Their school is amazing, nurturing, loving.

But the parents in Newtown thought their kids were safe, too.

So did the parents in Littleton. And Jonesboro. And Paducah. And I could go on, but it hurts my brain and my heart too much.

I have an abundance of anxiety and a dearth of actual solutions. I wish things were different. I have, of course, remembered the victims in my thoughts and prayers … but I wish I had more to give.

… and it looks like I wrote about guns after all.

Feel free to use the comments below to explain to me vehemently why I am wrong. Or to tell me that I’m not alone, that I’m not the only one who still starts sobbing and hyperventilating when I think about Sandy Hook. Or to offer a solution. Or tell me that you made $500 a day working from home followed by a string of gibberish.