The townsfolk walked quietly through downtown streets. They were confused. Women and men rode the streetcars, looking out the windows, at the trees – but not the trees. Black and gold clad fans drove slowly through back streets, hitting pothole after pothole after pothole. It was a gray day. It was a day where the home team lost to the … it’s so hard to say, the Tennessee Titans. The “on a six-game losing streak” Titans. The “1-and-we lost to everyone else” Titans. Yes, it was a gray day – and you just hit another pothole that knocked your tires out of alignment. Going to work on Monday never sounded so sweet.
Whoa buddy. Now that’s just crazy talk. Mondays are for robots, and you still have passion and warm blood flowing through your veins. You’re just, I hate to say it, depressed. And because, I, your humble narrator, care for you so – I’m here to offer my services to help us get through this rough time in our lives. Now cue up a slow song – preferably Anne Murray – and let’s get into this.
Have you heard of something called, “the Internet?” If not, you should give it a try, it’s really cool. I used this trendy application to look up a story on how to help friends dealing with loss(es). I found a piece called, “7 Steps for Dealing With Loss and Grief,” by Michelle Roya Rad, which published on Jan. 25, 2012. You can click the link to read it, but it would be a lot cooler if you just let me tell you what you really need to know.
NOTE – I have no idea if anything in that article is correct, but it’s on the Internet, so we should obviously believe everything it says. Also, it was published on Jan. 25. The only reason I mention this, is because that is my birthday. I wear medium shirts, and my favorite color is blue. Thanks. Finally, the writer's last name is Rad. Who do I have to marry to get that last name? Mark Rad. Yes!
Step 1 – Accept the feelings
Isn’t the first step the hardest one to take? Someone said that to me once, or maybe I heard it in a Kenny Rogers song. Anyway, the weekend’s over friends. The University of Alabama Crimson Tide whipped the Louisiana State University Tigers, and the Titans upset the Saints. So, as you sit there at work, just keep telling yourself that it’s OK. This is a game; it’s meant to be fun. And then you’ll start to feel better. If that doesn’t work, just send mean-spirited tweets to sportswriters (not me, I’m here to help). They love that.
Step 2 – Take the steps to fill the void within
This means that you can always grab the remote control, and change the channel. The New Orleans Pelicans are playing (uh-oh), and college basketball is right around the corner. Bust out some Tim Horton’s coffee and watch a hockey match, while doing your best McKenzie Brothers imitation. The world is yours.
Step 3 – Grow from the loss
This one is pretty straightforward. It’s a scientific fact that everyone elongates after a hard loss. Sometimes it is only an 1/8-inch, sometimes it is a full half-inch. It varies from time zone to time zone, because science. This is such a well-known fact that you shouldn’t even look it up on the Internet. It also explains that famous saying, “Have you seen the Tulane Green Wave fans? They’re so tall!”
Step 4 – Replace negative feelings with positive ones
This is key. We all get bad news. We all knock over our friend, we all tip the ball to an opposing receiver, and we all watch that receiver promptly score a touchdown. The important thing here is that we have to rid ourselves of this negativity, and make it positive.
For example, one time, while attending a film festival, I saw one of the most famous foreheads of all time standing right beside me – Christina Ricci. This was very exciting for me, because I too have a large forehead, since my head is the size of an award-winning pumpkin, or that of a baby bison. Anyway, my heart was broken as I pointed my Thunderdome at that great lake of a forehead of hers, and she looked at me and…nothing. She just looked right through me like she wasn’t even concerned about the gravitational pull between our head-planets. So, I turned away – and instead of being angry, I just smiled, because I had just watched her movie, and it was terrible. Positivity!
Step 5 – Feel liberated and move forward
I think this means to have another drink, call your boss and tell them you quit, leave your credit card at the bar, and drop your keys on Prytania as you walk home.
Step 6 – Learn to become emotionally stable
I have no idea what she means by this – which made me angry, and then I burst into tears. I woke up, laughing to myself in a gazebo in Audubon Park. All of the ducks were looking at me. Moving on.
Step 7 – Start evaluating your faith
Rad says you need to evaluate it, George Michael says you got to have it. So, you know it’s real. And you should have it! Look here friends –
LSU is still great. Leonard Fournette can still win the Heisman. If Alabama slips up in Starkville, or Auburn – and LSU wins out – then the Tigers are back in the SEC championship, where they would annihilate the Florida Gators.
The Saints still have a shot. Look at that schedule. You know they will whip the dirty birds again, and besides the Carolina game, they should be favored in most of the contests. 10-6 is a real possibility. They just have to overcome the 41,000 yards of offense that the defense will give up.
And Tulane …. Well … have you even watched McNeese State play? Undefeated!
Truth be told, I may not have really read Ms. Rad’s article all the way through. However, I am supremely confident that we have the same outlook on life, and probably used most of the same examples. Anyway, love ya Louisiana! Hope this made you smile.
If not, here is Jimmy Fallon and Jack Black singing, “More Than Words.”
And like a fine wine with a steak dinner, every game should be accompanied by a beverage and song.
Drink Pairing – Everything you’ve got in the cabinet and refrigerator.
Playlist recommendation – They Might Be Giants – “Take Out the Trash”