Planning any type of party can’t begin without making a few key decisions – particularly a wedding. One key decision, other than date and budget, is the guest list. But when planning a wedding, who gets a say in who is invited?
This question was recently at the center of a discussion on the Reddit “Wedding Shaming” thread. You can read the full story here, but in short, a bride shared that she tasked her father (with whom she has a touchy relationship) with passing out wedding invitations to family members that were noted specifically on a list shared by the bride, as he and they do not live in the same country as the bride and her fiancé. A week or so later, the bride received a message from her father about needing a digital copy of the invitation, which the bride obliged without really thinking about it. She then found out that her father sent a PDF version of her wedding invitation to extended family members that were not invited and most of whom the bride had never met.
There were many opinions on the Reddit thread regarding what the bride should do and how she should handle the situation, but this has us asking two questions: who is allowed to invite people to a wedding? And, what are the options for the couple if something like this were to happen?
Who is allowed to invite guests to a wedding? First, we looked into the archives of our weekly “Wediquette Wednesday” series. Etiquette expert Melanie Warner Spencer addressed a version of this topic, the main point stating that the couple getting married has a final say on who makes the guest list, no matter who is paying for the wedding.
The minds at Martha Stewart Weddings note that a guest list should be divided into three equal parts – one-third for each set of parents and one for the couple.
The Emily Post Institute had a slightly different approach saying that traditionally each family of the couple saying, “I Do,” should be allotted half of the total guest count. However, their reasoning did not add which part of that is for the couple to invite friends, coworkers, etc.
When it comes to parents wanting additions to their portion of the guest list, there are a few options available beforeinvitations are sent out. Martha Stewart Weddings explained that if one set of parents would like to extend their list, the parents (or couple) that are footing the bill need to feel comfortable with those additions, and the venue must have the space, or those making the additions should offer to pay the extra cost.
Emily Post supports this by saying if the venue allows extra people and the set of parents wanting to add the additional guests are offering to pay, it is within the right of the couple to accept this offer and put the extra names on the guest list.
However, if the venue cannot handle the numbers, or if the couple simply doesn’t want to add additional people, they have the option to stand their ground and say no to expanding the guest list.
At the end of the discussion, if the couple does not want someone included in their wedding, they should not have to extend an invitation.
Though there are no clear rules on a parent going rogue and sending a copy of the invitation to several not counted in the guest list after the list is finalized, we (for the most part) agree with the “ultimatum” the bride in the Reddit post ended up giving her father. (Her father did acknowledge that he might have done something wrong, but told the bride she could uninvite those he sent a copy of the invitation to, even though two of them had already RSVP’d “yes.”) The bride told her father that he was either going to need to pay for them, explain to them that he overstepped and univite them, or the two that ended up RSVPing “yes” would be taking his place and he was no longer invited.
If the father would like the extra family members invited, and the bride’s venue can handle the additions, then everything is fine.
Moreover, we would urge the bride to get in touch with family members that were in fact invited and were supposed to receive their invitation from her father to confirm that they did receive their invitation. Those family members may also be able to help explain the situation to the unintentionally invited extended family that the bride and her fiancé don’t actually know or have any way to contact themselves.
On a lighter note, and for anyone at the beginning of the guest list stages, here is a guide we’ve previously posted to help avoid any issues that may arise. If everyone is on the same page out of the gate – and only the couple is responsible for invitation delivery – all conflict should be avoided from the start and will make way for a (hopefully) drama-free “I Do!”
