My Labor Day weekend was spent working, which I feel like is kind of the opposite of what Labor Day intends for American citizens, but hell, not everyone gets the day off. What I did do, after work, however, was catch up on a new show – "Fear the Walking Dead," which is admittedly a pretty boring name for a spin-off ("The Walking Dead"). I found myself getting into it, even though it's in L.A. instead of rural Georgia. It's about the very beginning of the zombie apocalypse and is interesting because the viewers know exactly what's coming, while the characters in the show know absolutely nothing. To me, it also seemed as though Los Angeles wouldn't be a great city to be in once the plague started. It made me wonder how New Orleans might fare in a similar situation.
I decided that New Orleans would do a much better job and be the best place to lay low for a while, you know, in the event of a zombie plague.
1. It goes without saying, that most people who live in New Orleans understands hurricane preparedness. Theoretically, this could also be applied to possible zombie preparedness. We would know how to go about the basics: stockpile water, fill up the tub so you can flush your toilet, cook everything in your fridge before the electricity goes out, know how to board up your windows, etc. We also tend to have things on hand like battery-operated lanterns and a shit-ton of flash lights. I know I still have a cupboard full of Energizers from Hurricane Isaac. Many of us also have generators, but they probably wouldn't last too long, given that gasoline would at some point run out. Also, the loud sound that they made would probably just attract zombies, so they would only be used in moderation. But the people here already know how to survive – it comes with the territory.
2. Louisiana has all the weapons. We have some of the most lax gun laws in the country, which I'm always teasing one of my husband's friends about. He's the kind of guy who's constantly posting on Facebook about how liberals will never take his guns. I just think, "no one is going to take your guns, dude." We voted for Bobby Jindal (I need to say here that I did not personally vote for Bobby Jindal, for clarity's sake). I think we can easily assume that our great state will not be voting anyone into office that will pass more-stringent gun control laws anytime soon. No one wants to touch that issue with a 20-foot pole. Even when a mass-shooter ends up on the news, everyone is basically like, "THIS IS NOT THE TIME to discuss gun control!" So I think it's pretty safe to bet that no one is going to take your guns. Ever. So during a potential zombie apocalypse, many Louisiana citizens will have an advantage, because no one has taken any of their guns. The only problem with that is, shooting zombies would make noise and might actually just end up attracting more zombies. Perhaps the people with knives may have a bit of an advantage here – or gun silencers, which are legal in Louisiana surprise surprise.
3. The people in New Orleans are very nice, but they're not stupid. What I mean is we are neighborly. We will help a brother or a sister out, no problem, but if you're walking erratically with your head to the side and your arms in front of you, there will be no questions asked, someone will shoot you in the head. People here are not going to take any chances. It's not going to be like in "Fear the Walking Dead" when a guidance counselor is trying to reason with her recently zombiefied principal, just before he tries to eat her. No, we will just straight-up shoot zombies. We all live a certain way down here. We're friendly, but we're not naive. Being naive is dangerous in New Orleans. We understand this, and it will give us an advantage over the zombies. We would not think twice about helping out the humans, or killing the undead.
4. We don't exactly trust authority. So when a virus starts to spread, and we're being told not to panic, we'd know if it was all bullshit. We live with bullshit day in and day out, we live in New Orleans. We can tell when it's real. The rest of the country would still be confused, still trying to work out what's going on, but people down here would already have a stockpile of canned food and their windows boarded up. We'd know. We can sense things.
5. We have a mild climate. This could go either way. New Orleans has had bouts with disease in the past, with yellow fever and the like, but that was more because of mosquitoes and people living in close-quarters. With no civilization, things could go back to that, especially if there were no active sewer system, but we now have knowledge that people back in the day did not. We know how diseases work. We no longer bleed people when they have a fever. So living in a city where it doesn't snow would be an advantage. Now, I have a friend who always says that during the zombie apocalypse, you should always go north, because the freezing temperatures would then freeze the zombies, rendering them harmless. The trouble is you'd be frozen, too, having to withstand serious cold weather. It might be worth it, might not. But on the other end, our summers are so hot in New Orleans, that most of the zombies would probably just melt. Problem solved.
6. We have a somewhat geographical advantage. New Orleans could close itself off if it wanted to. We could shut down bridges. Zombies would probably not be swimming across the Mississippi River or Lake Pontchartrain. We could potentially isolate ourselves, if need be.
7. New Orleans has its own zombie experts. Granted, the zombies of Voodoo are much different than the more recent zombie-plague walking dead-guys, but we'll take the advantage where we can get it. They might know a secret or two that the rest of the world doesn't. I find this vaguely comforting.
8. We are a biking city. Whenever you watch a show about an apocalypse, there's always the inevitable shot of freeways jammed with abandoned cars, and I always think about how all the bike riders who made it out of town are probably still alive. They can go anywhere, weave in and out of traffic. I ride my bike to work everyday, passing car after car in the French Quarter, because traffic is so slow. I honestly get to work faster on a bike. If the city ever needed to be abandoned, driving a car might not be an option, and riding a bike will get you to your destination faster than walking would. It also requires no gas. Just strap the gun that no one took away from you, on your back, and be on your way. It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than nothing.